Adventures of Obito
by Cavallo Alato
Summary: A series of short stories during Obito's time with Madara. Supposed to be silly, fun, and a little endearing, I guess. (Because sugar, spice, and everything nice are the key ingredients to Naruto's main antagonist.) The funny adventures of our dear Obito, Momdara (errr...), Zetsu, and Swirly-faced Tobi! Madara gets tired of children...quickly. Spoilers post-599, of course XD...
1. Laugh in Your Face

**The Adventures of Obito**

****Welcome! A series of short stories during Obito's time with Madara. Supposed to be silly, fun, and a little endearing, I guess.

(Because sugar, spice, and everything nice are the key ingredients to Naruto's main antagonist.)

**Notes: **Madara's will is projected with the body of one of those Zetsu thingies, and it's basically himself, just younger. His old self sits in the corner, in -sleep- mode.

These don't necessarily go in order, they're supposed to be random and funny. Some will have some sort of timeline, thought (not that Naruto actually has one that makes sense...)

The swirly-faced guy has been dubbed Tobi by most, so here, he is Tobi. (Yaaay Tobi, the good boy!)

Please enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. It's quite obvious why...(I've destroyed everyone's characterization. Though I'm not as far as Naruto SD yet. -laughs-)

I've actually doodled some of these scenes. My dA account will...eventually have them put up. XD

* * *

**Chapter 1: ****Laugh in Your Face**

One would think that when it starts raining, a normal human might find shelter. But keep in mind that these three are nowhere near normal, if at all human, and will not find shelter unless the apocalypse is approaching, and waving tacos of doom in their faces. Even then, even the greatest shinobi of all time could not be sure if these three would actually run for their lives—most likely, they would laugh at the taco-waving doomsday with the brightest grins on their faces.

And the adults would sigh, and mutter, "Children. Don't know what to do with'em."

Given this, it is obviously raining, but the children don't care. In fact, they leap about in the mud and fling it at one another. A blob of mud flies into one of their eyeholes, making them laugh. At this, one should wonder what sort of person has an…eyehole.

The one with the…eyehole, waving his arms, begins to scream.

"See what you did?!" he exclaims, while the other two shriek with laughter, just refraining from rolling in the mud and dirtying themselves further.

"Great aim, great aim!" yells the pale boy, whose hair is a grassy green and his teeth are knife sharp.

"I've been training this arm, after all!" the other boy returns, grinning as he winds up like he's going to pitch another mud ball. His right arm is pale, sort of pasty, but an arm all the same. The right side of his face is scarred, and he lacks a left eye, but that's all right, because he doesn't need it, even in the rain.

There is the sound of mud slopping, and the eyehole one staggers about, feet sinking deep in the mud. The other two are deeper than their ankles, and pretty much stuck as well, but it's not like they have anywhere they need to be, unless their old man sends for them. Thinking of him, the three children pause and think of the consequences of dragging their muddy feet back into the cavern. It would really make the old man pissed if they tracked in this amount of slop.

Then again, they think that making the old man pissed is hilarious. So they head inside.

* * *

"Obito," the old man said, rather harshly. Technically speaking, the one that opened his mouth to scold the boy was not an old man, but a rather young one. However, this was just a bunshin, or clone, projection of the real man, an ancient thing hibernating in the corner over there, attached to a monstrous statue called the Gedo Mazou. It was this statue that kept him breathing, and allowed him to throw out this bunshin that scolded the boys like a father.

"Yes?" Obito said, rather innocently. He picked some dirt from under his nails, shaking his dark hair free of rain and mud. He knew that Zetsu was somewhere on the left, but since he lacked the vision, couldn't see the green-haired figure.

"What's this?" the old man said, gesturing to the tracks of mud they'd trailed in with them. Tobi tapped his chin, then thoughtfully pointed at his eyehole. Why he pointed at his eyehole, they had no idea.

"Mud," Tobi said simply.

"I know that," the old man hissed. "Clean it up, before I make you do something worse."

"Yes mom," all three replied in unison. The old man glared at them menacingly, red Sharingan eyes spinning. Somewhere deep in his ancient heart, he was fond of the three of them, especially Obito, but his cold exterior showed nothing, of course.

"When it stops raining, we should go to the market," Tobi suggested, before shaking like a wet dog, letting mud spew from his eyehole. The other two grimaced at him, for making more work. Zetsu quietly suggested shoving all of the mud into Tobi's eyehole and then dumping him outside.

"Why the market?" Obito asked, after agreeing devilishly with Zetsu's plan.

"Because it's fun," Tobi answered simply. He was about to elaborate on how they didn't need food, but it was fun to eat anyway, and perhaps Obito would like some food once in a while—and by the way, does Obito like pasta?—when the two others grabbed him and tried shoving mud in his eyehole, despite his wails to spare him.

"Boys!" the old man hollered from the other side of the cavern.

"Sorry, old man!" Obito called back, shoving his hand over Tobi's eyehole in an attempt to muffle his screams.

"You'd better have that floor _spotless_ in twenty minutes," the old man growled.

The boys cringed and hurriedly began mopping, sweeping, scrubbing, throwing, flopping, chucking, and shoving the mud out. Trying all sorts of movements that they thought might be useful, the disastrous cleaning trio began to clear the floor. It turned into a competition of who could get rid of the most mud the fastest, which was actually quite effective. In the end, Obito finished it off with a light Katon, drying off the surprisingly smooth cavern floor. It sparkled impossibly bright, and it reminded Obito of Maito Gai's impossibly bright teeth. Obito shuddered.

"It's clean, old man!" he called, to where the old man was polishing a long sword.

"Good."

"Can I go out again, old man?"

"No." Obito was given a very exasperated look, which the boy inwardly giggled at. "Haven't you had enough today, Obito?"

"Gramps, that's a terrible question," Obito deadpanned.

"Of course it is," the old man sighed. "Do you want to train, or not?"

At this, Obito visibly brightened, and nodded eagerly. On the newly cleaned floor, the two began to spar. The old man—who really hated being called old, because he was rather proud of his young appearance—knocked Obito off his feet easily.

"You're not going to hit me like that," he said flatly. "Use your eye, boy."

"Yes sir," Obito mumbled, climbing to his feet. He felt a tug at his stomach, as the chakra began to flow some more, and began to use his right eye. Now, when the old man swung his fist, it sifted right through Obito's head. However, when Obito went to strike back, he slipped through the old man's chest and ended up face first on the floor.

"Hey, Obito, just because you admire your work so much, it doesn't mean you have to kiss it!" Zetsu called. Tobi sniggered.

"You can't hit me if you don't solidify, fool," the old man told him. Obito picked himself up a second time, grumbling to himself.

"Let's make a bet, then," Obito declared. This piqued the older man's attention, and he listened. "If I knock you down, then we get to do whatever we like in town tomorrow."

The old man listened, and considered.

"On the conditions that you don't make too much of a ruckus, understand?" He ruffled Obito's hair fondly. He would agree to the bet, as long as Zetsu kept an eye on the boy.

"Thanks, Gramps!" Obito made to hug the man, but his intentions were easily seen through. The man leapt backwards, cautiously holding up his hands in a defensive pose.

"Madara's not that stupid, Obito!" Zetsu called.

"Will you just shut up?" Obito snapped.

"Only if you tell me what poop is like," Tobi piped up. Zetsu grinned, and Obito wanted to bang his head against a wall. Well, first, he had to knock Madara down, however impossible that seemed. He was determined to go see town, though. He hadn't seen civilization in months, besides that random Grass Village guy they'd stumbled upon the other day. Actually, the Grass shinobi stumbled upon them, playing amongst the old fossils and gigantic skeleton of an ancient creature. Because he'd discovered part of their secret hideout, they'd killed him.

Oops.

x.x.x.x.x.X.x.x.x.x.x

"Gotcha!" Obito materialized out of the floor and grabbed Madara's ankle, successfully pulling the man's feet from beneath him. Madara relented, allowing the boy to trip him. To be honest, he hadn't really expected the boy to be able to sift through the ground like that, so early in the discovery of his abilities. But that was sufficient for now, and so he agreed to let the boy go to the market.

"Don't make me come up there," Madara warned.

"I'm not _that_ bad of a kid, you know," Obito laughed. "I was the good kid, way back when!"

"I doubt that," Tobi snickered. Obito glared at him, and the masked man shrieked with laughter and hid behind Zetsu.

"I was!" Obito retorted indignantly. "I helped the old ladies cross the street, and I—"

"You know, I've always wanted to know what it was like to have to take a dump—"

"You never stop, do you?" muttered Obito. Tobi shook his head and snickered.

"If you tell him, maybe he will." Zetsu nodded thoughtfully.

Watching the three of them, suddenly, Madara was tired.

* * *

And so, as taco-wielding fate would deem, the three kids head into town the next day, bright and early in the morning. Okay, maybe not so early, but right smack in the middle of shopping time, when all the moms are out to buy lunches and groceries, all the dads are working, and then there's the random truant kids that don't feel like going to school, and are, instead, stealing bread. (Or they're stealing bread because they need it…)

The market will face the worst trouble its ever run into in years, and after that, just the sight of kids will make it cringe. The shopkeepers and wide-eyed mothers will always remember the swirly-faced…thing, the boy with the goggles, and the green-haired boy with the pointy teeth. They are quite memorable. One woman, in particular, will think that she recognizes one of the trio, but shakes it off because it's more like she's hallucinating. She doesn't remember that clearly, anyway.

So, everyone is asleep until it's time to go to the market.

But, there _is _someone up bright and early in the morning. It's the old man, and he's sitting on the skeleton of a being long gone, staring at the rising sun. An insanely large centipede with insanely long feelers crawls up the leg bone of the skeleton. It clicks its forelegs together twice, to tell its master that it has finished its scan of the perimeter.

"Good," is all Madara says.

The centipede clicks away.

There are many ways that Madara checks the area, and someday, they will be the same techniques that the boy will use.

He just has to learn them.

* * *

So, what do you think?

Tobitopede the centipede, also known as Shinobi-Yondaime-bug, is from my other story, _Green Hair, Blue Eyes, and Other Not So Normal Things._

__Hope you liked it!

Comments, concerns, burning desires?!

I picture Madara as a fatherly figure. And this is where I butcher their characters, and make Obito the son Maddy has never had. -teary eyed-

(Izuna would be proud...sort of.)

Also included in my Chem notebook doodles. (laughs) Zetsu's the punchline man, here, and Tobi's our comedian, and Obito's a bit of both. Can anyone guess who the "woman" is?


	2. Swirly Things, Bread, and the Market

Something random with the market. I hope it's at least mildly interesting, because...to be honest, I don't think I have a good sense of humor or good plot (after all, I can't do plot-no-jutsu like Kishi does...)

Well. Here you go. (includes messed up Naruto timeline...-ish)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because why would Fugaku go to a market way outside of town?

* * *

**Chapter 2: ****Swirly Things, Bread, and the Market**

Open marketplaces — great places to find deals on fine fruits and vegetables, among many other things. One end was the farmer's market, and the other end was an assortment of things, including a pastry shop and several restaurants. If there one was to name something that kids running amok could ruin, then one was to list every single thing in that market.

"Guys. I want cake," Tobi suddenly burst out, on their way to town.

"How would you eat it?" asked Obito, rubbing his hands. It was rather chilly outside, and he wished he'd brought along a better jacket. He'd grabbed the one he'd snatched from a clothesline in the countryside; a black jumper on which he'd sown a small Uchiha crest on the left breast pocket. It wasn't quite sufficient to block out the biting chill that was beginning to grace the beginnings of winter.

"Through his eyehole," Zetsu answered, poking Tobi in the side. The swirl-face put his hands on his hips indignantly, though the other two could only assume his facial expressions.

"I thought you didn't need to eat," Obito commented.

"I don't!" Tobi answered cheerfully. He received a funny look.

* * *

Shizune was getting rather worried about her new teacher. Seriously, she was gambling all of her money away. Her teacher didn't even _have _that much money, seeing as a war had ended rather recently. Nonetheless, the busty blonde tried her hand at every casino and of course, lost everything. Shizune sighed.

"Tsunade-sama, please keep some money for lunch," she begged.

"It's no problem, Shizune," the infamous blonde consoled, petting the young girl's head fondly, "We've got more than enough."

Shizune highly doubted that.

Tsunade continued down the street, her heels clicking on the pavement. The street had opened up its market, and was full of activity. There were a few kids around Shizune's age playing around, while the baker looked on with irritation.

"Shizune, want to go buy us something? Since you're so worried about me losing all of it?" Tsunade suggested, handing a few bills to the dark-haired girl. Her student nodded, and promptly hopped to a stand which sold dishes that she knew Tsunade-sama favored.

Meanwhile, at the bread stands, the kids were cajoling the baker. One of them was so pale, Shizune wondered if he was healthy. The other one wore a heavy hood and long pants, with a hat obscuring his face. The third one, standing at the center, had black hair that was between short and long, as if he needed to get a haircut soon, but wanted to postpone it. When this boy turned, Shizune did a double-take. He looked rather familiar, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Besides that, he was heavily scarred on one side, so she decided that it was no one she knew. Still, it bugged her.

"Shizune, hurry here!" Tsunade said, ushering the girl over to another casino. "This one's great!"

"Tsunade-sama!" wailed Shizune, nearly dropping the food she'd bought. Tsunade glanced at the girl, feeling sorry that she was so forceful. At that moment, she saw the group of boys that Shizune had spotted.

Minato's boy. The Uchiha on his team. She swore she saw him, but blinked a few times. She had only met Jiraiya's student's students a few times, but those three had very distinctive faces: the stoic son of their dear friend Sakumo, a pretty young girl with medical potential and bright eyes, and a loud Uchiha who reminded her painfully of Nawaki.

"It couldn't be," she murmured to herself. She saw the awful scars, and the split lip, and thinking no more, decided that it couldn't possibly be so.

Tsunade turned away.

* * *

If there was one thing Madara _didn't _want them to do, it was throw pies. So that's just what they did. Obito sped down the street, an angry vendor on his heels, yelling a string of curse words not to be repeated in front of young children. Tobi and Zetsu whooped as they stole long loaves of French bread and proceeded to whack random strangers with them. Tobi paused, pushing his hood aside when it obscured his eyehole, to ogle at an adorable little baby. Why, it must've been barely a month old!

The baby gurgled, and Tobi giggled. Its mother smiled at Tobi, not seeing his bizarre face, and pushed the baby along. Just then, Obito nearly crashed into the little baby carriage as he dodged the angry street vendor. Actually, his leg should have taken out the stroller's wheels, but he instantly used Kamui out of habit, and slipped through. It was such a small slip-through that no one really noticed, though.

Nonetheless, there were several yelps and squeals and giggly children in this incident. The baby's mother and another wide-eyed child both stared in shock at the devious trio, which was now tumbling across the street in a mock fight, forgetting to apologize. Obito, remembering his manners, shouted out a brief "Sorry, ma'am!" before getting tackled by the vicious bread vendor.

"Mom, why are those people fighting with bread?" the young boy asked his mother, while his baby brother gurgled nonsensically.

"Just keep walking, Itachi," Mikoto murmured, rather worried about today's society, especially the children. She would make sure that her two boys, especially her newborn, were safely protected from such uncouth youths. Itachi, understanding very little—as much as a four-year-old could— and still rather unstable from witnessing a war, just held his mother's hand and moved on. Sasuke giggled in his crib.

Mikoto wondered where Fugaku had gone, because she didn't think she could deal with more vendors attacking the same trio of children.

* * *

"The baby was so cute!" was all Tobi would say after they'd shaken off the dang baker. Meanwhile, Obito was tearing off chunks of stolen bread and popping them into his mouth, rather delighted by the taste of food after months and months without it. However, before Tobi could ask something along the lines of "_now _will you tell me what poop is like?", Zetsu cut in first.

"That lady had an Uchiha crest, you know?" he said through mouthfuls of bread. First off, Obito had no idea why Zetsu was eating bread as well, but at least he had a mouth and not an eyehole. Secondly, his right eye widened in surprise, eyebrows arched.

"Really?" Obito asked, munching faster with anticipation. Tobi slyly reached over to grab some bread and quickly stuff it in his eyehole, but Obito Kamui-ed the bread so that it was impossible to grab, to the swirl-face's dismay

"Yeah," the green-haired one continued, despite Tobi's fruitless grabs at the poor bread. "The lady with the two kids, you know, the baby that Tobi was talking about?"

"Babies poop," Tobi suddenly announced.

"Yeah, because that's all they do," Obito deadpanned.

"I don't have to—"

"We get it, we get it." Obito held up his hands and warded away any more talk regarding human waste. They walked down a less crowded market aisle, vendors eyeing the trio suspiciously and guarding their precious stacks of fruits.

"Fugaku, where have you been?" called a voice.

"Hey, that's her," Zetsu said, as the person of their conversation appeared. The woman pushed the stroller along, looking rather tired, speaking urgently to her husband as he settled a few grocery bags in the back of the carriage. The toddler, walking alongside his mother, glanced curiously their way. Then, he turned to his little brother in the baby carriage and murmured something, before sneaking a peak at them again. It was as if they were conspiring some devious plan involving bread, their mother, their groceries, and the troublesome trio. Not that the baby could do much more than cry and poop, though.

"Do you know them?" Zetsu continued, before pausing to watch Obito hastily turn his jacket inside-out. "Why'd you do that?"

"They can't see the Uchiha crest," Obito muttered, glancing at the clan symbol he'd sewn onto the jumper. He recognized them, all right. That family was none other than… "That's the clan head, Fugaku-sama. Can't let him see me."

Obito was now loyal to the ancient clan head connected to a wacky monster statue.

"That's intense," Tobi commented. "Can I go say hi?"

Fugaku glanced at the trio, then, and Obito looked down quickly. He whipped the bread out from his pocket and began to duel Zetsu with it, never showing his face. He turned so that his left side, the side that his lengthening hair had begun to cover, was facing the crowd. This way, no one could see his face. Even with scars, he was probably still easily recognizable—Obito just had those distinctively handsome Uchiha traits.

* * *

The day ended rather uneventfully, with Obito receiving a few more hits to the head with French bread, thanks to more angry bakers. Well, more like the first baker notifying the entire market, and after that everyone was on their heels for the dangerous trio. It also included a great assortment of _splats _as pies were chucked to and fro. If one was to draw a _WANTED _sign for them, it would have a kid with scribbles on the right side of his face, another with grass for hair, and a third one wearing a hood, because Tobi's "face" was never to be seen.

Well, there _was _someone that saw Tobi's swirl-face.

And that was Sasuke, because he had been staring right into Tobi's eyehole, mesmerized.

* * *

On the way home, it began to rain again. As the thing people call fate sighed with exasperation, ticking off the days till the Nine Tails was summoned in Konoha and the Juubi was revived, it watched the three boys with a mild interest regarding what sort of destiny they should be assigned.

For now, the trio just began to play in the dirt again. They happened upon an Iwa shinobi, who was so shocked to see people in this area of the forest that he ran into a tree. Tobi giggled ferociously, poking at the man with a stick, while Obito rummaged through the ninja's pack to see if he had anything interesting in there.

"Do shinobi always wear one funny sleeve?" Zetsu asked, pointing the Iwagakure style jacket—one side sleeveless, the other side a long, draping length of fabric.

"I think it's a Stone thing," Obito answered, finding nothing interesting besides a bag of chips. He wondered what sort of shinobi brought a single bag of chips with them on a mission, but shrugged it off. He was just glad the guy wasn't awake to throw some insane Doton on them, because to be honest, he still harbored a traumatic fear of falling rocks, despite being able to pass through them with his Mangekyo Sharingan.

"Do Stone ninja p—"

"Everyone does, okay?!" snapped Obito, throwing a kunai from the shinobi's pack at Tobi. The swirl-face ducked and giggled.

"You know, I think he's waking up," Zetsu said, pointing out that the man was indeed moaning and starting to shift. Instantly, the trio all got to their feet, leaving the man on the ground, and sped away hastily. Obito had dropped the bag of chips back into the Iwa nin's pack, but unbeknownst to the young Uchiha, Tobi had snatched it up and mysteriously slipped it into his eyehole to save for later…

* * *

"Did you have fun?" one of the Zetsus hanging from the Gedo Mazou's branches—the ones that sprouted from something that looked horrifying similar to the First Hokage—asked, a devilish smile on its face.

"Yeah," Obito replied. "I ate some bread."

"So now you have to go—"

"You didn't cause trouble, did you?" Madara broke in. (He didn't want to hear anymore of Tobi's insistent comments either.)

"Uh. I don't think so," Obito mentioned.

"That means you made a mess," Madara confirmed. "I supposed it wasn't as bad as I expected, though."

"What were you expecting?" Tobi asked. If he had a face, he would've been grinning. He suddenly whipped out the bag of chips and offered them to the mysterious, ancient Uchiha. The other two stared at him incredulously.

Madara didn't answer the question.

* * *

Several years later, when Sasuke bumped into a loud, blonde bomb-throwing Iwa nin from Akatsuki, with his masked partner, he felt a twinge in the back of his head. It was almost…nostalgic. No, it held more of a dreamlike quality, those fluffy snowflakes of memory that drift just beyond your reach; they are so faint, they barely touch the recesses of your mind before disappearing again.

The masked man was oddly familiar. Had he been without a mask, he would've been grinning, or something of the like. He felt like he had seen that swirly face once upon a time, and with it, he associated bread and a picture of Itachi.

Why, he had no idea. Sasuke didn't have time to contemplate then, because the boisterous blonde one had thrown a flying bomb in the shape of a bird at his head.

* * *

Welll. What did you think? OTL.

I'm going to assume Sasuke's older than Naruto by a few months...-checks- Yepp. July baby, while Naruto's in October...

(Does that mean I just made it about 2 months before Obito sets out to destroy Konoha? Wow, intense. And very fail timeline. IGNORE THAT. Because it is possible in the Naruto fandom. This should take place a whileeee before that.)

(I warned you of malfunctioning timeline)

Shizune's...about their age, right? (slightly older? About a year, I'd think...)

Itachi was 4 during the war, so he's 4-5 here... (yay, something that works!)

I hope it's funny? Anyway, Tobi's great, and poor old Momdara...

Questions, comments, concerns, more burning desires?! (not involving Tobirama? Or maybe they DO involve him, because that'd be great :D)


	3. They Don't Mean Anything

This world is ending - Obito and Madara.

Somehow, this turned from cheerful to dark. OnO

I don't know what happened. Maybe my negative emotions towards this dang history essay I have to write OVER WINTER BREAK is being transferred to my writing. OTL what is that. -.-

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because do you see these tears of Nejidespair?! Seriously.

I also like how the page where Obito "dies", it says **Turning Despair into** **Hope! **in the corner.

And now Obito's all **There's no such thing as hope! Feel DESPAIRRR!**

Uh. Nice one, pal. 'Bito baby, sorry, but the world didn't end on Friday. -shrugs-

* * *

**Chapter 3: ****They Don't Mean Anything**

"Once upon a time, there lived a princess named…Rin."

"No."

"Once upon a time, there lived a princess named…Kakashi."

"_No_."

"Once upon a time—"

"Stop it, Tobi. You're going nowhere with this." Obito stared impassively at the swirl-faced one, who was unsuccessfully trying to whip up a story to tell. Originally, the trio had been going for scary stories, but Obito was unwilling to admit that he got the chills all the time when Zetsu made a creepy face, and Zetsu's stories were far to gruesome to be repeated, anyway. As a result, they had Tobi's imagination whipping up some fairy tale for them, albeit some bad ones.

(The previous one was "Rinderella and the Three Kiri Nin". Obito punched the swirl-face in the swirl right after that one.)

They sat outside, comfortable in the cool summer night weather, crickets chirping here and there with a calm breeze occasionally sifting through the forest. They'd intended to camp outside for fun, with a big tent and all, but a few Konoha ninja going their way had called out to them, and Zetsu tore down the tent and the three dove for cover.

(Yamanaka Inoichi made a face, but said nothing of the strange kids. Speaking of kids, his own team was having trouble…with everything. Especially that one boy who had been two hours late…)

"Once upon a time, there was a creepy old man named Obito," Tobi continued in their new hideout. "He had one eye and one arm, and all the kids feared him."

"I like that one," Zetsu commented.

"You two are terrible," grumbled Obito, crossing his arms and pouting.

"Only for you," sang Tobi, giggling.

* * *

"Where've you three been?" demanded Madara, crossly looking the three over. At some point, they'd gotten into a scuffle, ending with all the food being warped into Kamui-land, Zetsu losing an arm, and a cracked swirl-face. It was the morning of the next day, and all three were dirtied and bruised.

"Kamui-land," deadpanned Zetsu with a straight face. Madara glanced at the plant-boy's stump of an arm, and said nothing.

"Need an arm?" sniggered Obito, elbowing Zetsu with his Hashirama-cell arm.

"Need a face?" giggled Tobi, making the younger Uchiha turn to glare at him, his scarred side creating a rather menacing effect. Tobi continued laughing, ducking behind Madara and wiggling away from the kunai that Obito threw.

"Stop antagonizing one another," Madara said harshly.

"Old man, can we go to the market?" Tobi asked.

"No."

"Old man, can we go—"

"You three aren't going _anywhere_."

Upon this, all three of them bolted for the door.

* * *

Madara easily caught Tobi, who wiggled and giggled far too much. The swirl-face was always too happy, and it either made Madara chuckle inwardly, or it just made him pissed. Meanwhile, Zetsu nearly reached the door until a gigantic fan chopped a leg off, and the plant man made a sound of dismay. Madara picked up his fan and glared at Zetsu threateningly. He turned to Obito and whipped the fan his way.

"Can't touch this!" Obito taunted, allowing the fan to slip through his chest as he made his way to the door.

* * *

He wasn't quite sure where he ended up, but he ventured as far as he dared with his Kamui. Perhaps it was a place of familiarity, or something, because he flew _very_ far away. Obito ended up at the old lake where he first learned the Katon.

"Oh shi—"

Voices were heard coming along the sidewalk, just up the hill. Obito quickly ran for the copse of trees huddled just on the west end of the lake. He knew enough about genjutsu by then to try and hide himself, concealing his presence. He waited for the owners of the voices to appear, trying to think of how in the world he ended up here, and how in the world he was supposed to get back.

"He was _two hours late_," said the first voice, a girl.

"Really? That's rude," said the second, a voice belonging to a boy around Obito's age. The girl's tone and demeanor were immediately recognizable—Kurenai. However, the boy's voice was rather deeper than Obito remembered, and he wasn't quite sure if it was Asuma or not.

It was Asuma.

"I know, right?" agreed Kurenai. "You shouldn't keep a lady waiting."

Asuma chucked good-naturedly, shaking his head.

"You know, he used to be on time, all the time," Asuma mused.

"Well, he apparently picked up some bad habits," Kurenai sniffed. She was still miffed at the mission delay—the entire team had waited for _two hours_ for one last team member to show up. He was a jounin, too, and was expected to be on time and ready. "He claimed to have helped an old lady cross the street."

"That's so old," Asuma sniggered.

"I know! And when we accused him of lying, he said he was lost on the _road of life_," Kurenai said.

"That's just cheesy," laughed Asuma. "Seriously, I've heard all of these before."

"Well, it's not like he picked up any old bad habit just to have one," Kurenai supposed, a little softer now. She cast her eyes towards the lake, sparkling serenely in the morning sunlight.

"That's true," Asuma agreed. "Doesn't he go to the memorial every day?"

"He goes to the cemetery before the memorial," Kurenai corrected. She paused, a sad expression crossing her pretty features. "He visits Rin, first, and usually brings flowers. And then he spends a long time at the war memorial."

"I've seen him," Asuma replied. "He just stares at Obito's name and holds his eye."

"Poor thing," Kurenai sighed. "If anyone were to go crazy, it would be Kakashi, because it seems like he has the right to go insane. But he doesn't."

"He's strong," Asuma agreed. A pause. "You know, I miss those two."

"We all do," Kurenai answered.

"It's gotten really quiet without Obito," Asuma mentioned, thinking of the loud, rabble-rousing Uchiha. "I suppose he wouldn't be loud now that Rin's gone, too."

"Let's not think about it." Rin had been one of Kurenai's best friends. It pained her to see that she would not get to grow up with her closest friend, but rather, she would grow up visiting her best friend's grave.

"Good idea." Asuma glanced painfully at the lake, where he and Obito used to learn the Katon that their clans were known for.

The two walked away, silently now.

* * *

"So. You returned on your own?" Madara asked, a rather annoyed, haughty look on his features. He paused, however, when the boy simply nodded and brushed past him without a word. At first, Madara was going to snap at the younger Uchiha, but watched on softly as the scarred boy dropped himself onto the mattress at the end of the cavern and stared at his hands.

"Hey, Obito, where'd you go?" Tobi asked, polishing his swirl face with a towel. It had been repaired and was gleaming as bright as Gai's teeth.

"Did you kill someone again?" Zetsu joked, flashing a sharp-toothed grin. Obito didn't answer, and the two artificial humanoids glanced at each other warily.

"Obito." Madara stood behind the boy he called on. "_Obito_."

"Leave me alone."

"You don't care about this world, child. _They don't mean anything anymore_."

Obito looked at Madara directly, then, the bonds to his heart ringing painfully. The moment in Konoha had weakened his resolve; could he really do this?

"Konoha is nothing. You'll return to that very place and destroy it." Madara knew everything, it seemed. Zetsu and Tobi glanced curiously at the two Uchiha, but remained silent, for once. Obito's brooding reminded Madara of his younger brother, who was always concerned for the clan head. At the same time, the slope of Obito's shoulders, moving from doubt to certainty, reminded the old Uchiha greatly of himself. This was the boy he'd entrust his name to; the boy who would carry on his great plans for the world.

Obito stared at his hands again, seeing the creases of his palms and his dry skin. His right hand, more pale, with hints of sickly yellow still remaining, mocked him. He was weak. He left hand, the one that Rin had held until the very last moment, was silently comparing with his artificial right half. He was to train until they were equal again.

Asuma, his friend. Kurenai, and Rin, and Kakashi. Obito decided that he hadn't left any of his friends behind—they had left him, instead. Hayate, who shyly showed off his new sword the last time Obito saw him. Yugao, with her long purple hair always obscuring her face. Asuma, who practiced spitting fire over the lake with him. Kurenai, always with a smart remark and a teasing joke about Rin. Gai, whose rivalry with Kakashi became a rivalry with Obito, his bright white smiles for Rin tackled down by the Uchiha. Ebisu, always the smart, sensible one; Obito still thought he was stronger than Ebisu, but he would probably never know. Ibiki, the older one, mysteriously giving advice. Anko with her mouth always full of dango, picking up garden snakes and daring to throw them on Obito. Genma, who attempted to look cool with a toothpick between his teeth. Raido, whose scarring reminded Obito much of his own face. Aoba, grinning as he joined in on Obito's wild plans eagerly, a glint of mischief flashing over his dark glasses. The younger Iruka, who always smiled up at the upperclassmen. A grade below Obito in the Academy, Kotetsu and Izumo, an inseparable best friend duo that never hesitated to back up Obito because they too, knew that he had a kind heart.

Rin, the girl that Obito would never see again in this world.

Kakashi, with half his vision—the best friend that he'd never have.

_They don't mean anything anymore_.

"Zetsu," Obito said, suddenly.

"Yeah?" answered the green-haired one.

"Find me a mask maker," Obito told him. He then glanced up at Madara, but the older Uchiha had already turned his back.

"Have you decided?" Madara said.

"I have."

"Well then," Madara told him. "Let's begin."

* * *

If you don't remember some of those guys, feel free to ask/look them up.

Yugao's the purple-haird ANBU from part 1, and remember Hayate? He was the guy who coughed all the time during the chuunin exams.

Asuma and Kurenai, I hope you know who they are =3=

Rin and Kakashi...uh...yeah.

Kotetsu and Izumo ~ They're the super adorable (at least to me) duo that fought with Shikamaru and the gang against Hidan/Kakuzu.

Aoba's the guy with glasses, appears with Naruto on their way to the Turtle Island. He's cool. (I ship him with [Uzumaki] Honoka, despite her being a ghost...)

Genma - toothpick.

Raido - guy with scars.

Iruka, Anko, Ibiki...uh...yeah.

I hope you know Gai. YOUTH!

**Happy Holidays to you all! Have a wonderful New Year! **


	4. Lost and Found

Yes! Back home, again, and Happy New Year!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because Neji is dead, and NejiTen was never canon. I still love NejiTen though.

* * *

**Chapter 4: ****Lost and Found**

* * *

They were definitely lost. As lost as little half-human and humanoid boys could get.

"Seriously, Zetsu, you said that you knew the way!" Obito spat accusingly, glaring at the green-haired plant-child. Zetsu, in turn, shrugged his pale shoulders, upper body bare because he didn't feel the cold. Meanwhile, Tobi studied the thin layer of snow that had collected on the frosted grass, also unaware of the temperature. This only led to more agitation on Obito's part, seeing as he grumpily pulled his jumper closed.

"I _do_ know the way," the green-headed boy answered defensively.

"Aren't you supposed to be _one with the land_?" continued Obito, good eye spinning with a menacing three-tomoe Sharingan (he was rather proud of that third tomoe that had quickly popped up with the Mangekyo—though, the reason for his Mangekyo remained a taboo subject most times) that flared dangerously.

"I don't know the entire world," deadpanned Zetsu bluntly.

"I don't expect you to," Obito growled. "I just expect you to know the way back!"

"Well, it's not my fault that _you_ wanted to go see—"

"We should hitch a ride."

The arguing duo abruptly turned to Tobi, who was now pulling handfuls of dying grass from the ground, one hand digging into the dirt while the other pointed down the road. Sure enough, a rickety wagon was steadily wheeling its way over, an old mare hitched to the front.

"No." Both Zetsu and Obito shot down Tobi's suggestion immediately, and the swirl-face went back to picking his grass, dejected. Madara had specifically told them to stay out of sight, even with strangers. Their runs in the market and Obito's one random disappearance that day were too dangerous, now. One of the Zetsu clones had spotted Kakashi, Asuma, and Gai camped out nearby once, in the midst of their mission traveling.

Obito recalled this vaguely, as did Zetsu. But, despite this, Zetsu had no idea where they were compared to the night he found the small Konoha three-man team.

"Can't you just Kamui us back?" suggested Zetsu. Obito made a face—partially because he wished he thought of this himself, and partially because he didn't want to.

"No."

"Suit yourself."

"No, as in I'll Kamui myself home, and you guys can stay here."

Tobi glanced up at him, with what would've been a dejected puppy face.

"Actually, I'll bring Tobi with me, but not you." Obito jerked his thumb at Zetsu, who scowled, sharp teeth glinting.

The swish of a tail and the soft clatter of the old mare's unshod hooves on the cobblestone trail signaled the arrival of the wagon. Obito grabbed Zetsu by the arm, fisted a handful of Tobi's too-large sweater, and sucked them into the Kamui dimension.

"I thought you said you weren't bringing me."

"Well, I can't have you staying out there, either."

"You sound like the old man."

"Shut up, Tobi."

* * *

"Tobi is a _good boy_, Tobi would _never_ do that."

"Oh really? Even if I dared you to?"

"Well, Obito, you'd just Kamui away if anything happened."

"Who cares. So, will you do it, Tobi?"

Tobi paused.

"Do what?"

All three boys jumped at the fourth voice, one that came from directly behind the swirl-faced one. Madara glared down at all three of them, particularly Obito, because he knew full well that the boy was usually the mastermind behind everything. Somehow, anything he said was twisted by Zetsu, who then came up with another plot.

"Nothing," Zetsu said quickly. Obito kicked him under the table for being so straightforward, but he ended up kicking the table leg, shaking the entire structure.

"_What _are you doing?" demanded Madara, annoyed now. He really began to fear for his sanity, the little bit of it he had left, ever since he decided to adopt three of the world's most troublesome sons. Two made from Hashirama's cells, and devastatingly polar opposites of the sensible, level-headed Senju, and one angst-filled Uchiha teenager.

Madara recalled his teenage times.

Then he recalled Uchiha Kagami's sass.

He needed no more of that, but yet here it was. It was as if his nightmares had fallen straight from the sky—oh wait, they had.

"They wanted _me_," Tobi began, gesticulating wildly. He waved his hands and then pointed to himself to emphasize _me_. "To go and steal one of Bakakashi's books!"

Obito and Zetsu would've strangled Tobi, then, had Madara not turned his omnipotent glare on them. The old Uchiha thought, in the corner of his mind, what would've happened if children nowadays had a glimpse of Uzumaki's Mito Death God Glare. They would've peed their pants before disintegrating into ashes.

"Don't be stupid," Madara told them flatly. Obito harrumphed, earning a smack to the back of the head, which he pretended didn't hurt. Madara never had a son, and if he did, his son would be well-disciplined and obedient—totally impossible, but still—and Obito was just the opposite. Then again, if Madara _had _a son, it would probably be Obito anyway. The fact that the boy's hair had grown out to wildly fan down his shoulders and back in a spitting image of Madara only supported that idea.

"It wasn't my idea," mumbled Obito.

"He speaks the truth, for once," drawled Zetsu sarcastically. He dodged a punch swung his way.

"Tobi is a good boy," whimpered the swirl-face, the only one currently aware of Madara's angrily spinning Sharingan. The ancient Uchiha patted the boy on the head and nodded.

"I know you are, but these two aren't."

Sometimes, Tobi was annoying, and other times, he was an angel. He was an angel right now. Madara had his hands full with the two other devils, most of the time. When the devils dragged the angel into the fray, well…the angel just became a regular idiot, and the devils became bigger idiots. They were worse than Kagami three times over. (They didn't just _hide _his fan, they _split it into fifty pieces and hid it around the hideout_.)

"I'm getting tired of you two," Madara sighed.

Tobi feared for his friends' lives.

* * *

And so _that's_ how Obito and Zetsu were sentenced to sock darning. Where the socks came from, no one would ever know. And then they were setting out some of Obito's laundry outside, because they never did laundry outside, and for some reason, in the dead of winter, Madara decided to let them do it. More like he wanted them to freeze their clothing and suffer the consequences, but let's just say he allowed them to do as they liked for once.

"Shoot, my shirt!" Technically, it wasn't a shirt, it was his traditional blue-orange half cut jacket that he always wore, emblazoned with a proud Uchiha crest on the back. It was an incredibly light article of clothing, and it flew away on the winter wind harboring signs of an incoming blizzard.

What did they do?

Why, they chased it, of course. Obito's precious memento of a shirt could not be left behind, after all.

* * *

"Where are we, Kamuiland?"

"No, we're back on the road, you idiot." Obito continued glaring at Zetsu. He'd swept them away and allowed the travelers in the wagon to pass, and now they were back on the trail. With no progress, after an hour of searching for Obito's dang shirt.

"Dude, why didn't you just bring us _home_?" asked Zetsu, shaking his head and narrowing his eyes.

"Because we are finding my _freaking shirt_ _before we go home_," hissed Obito, crossing his arms.

"Can't you just stick with this?!" Zetsu gestured to the black sports jacket that Obito was wearing, the one that was hardly sufficient in this subzero weather. Obito was only surviving because of half his body was made of artificial cells.

"No, of course not!" snapped the Uchiha angrily. Call him unstylish, but that thing was comfortable, and a precious memento. Sort of.

"What sort of ninja wears blue and orange?!"

"A good ninja!"

"Are you sure, because you stand out _a lot!_"

"Ninjas don't need to be color-coordinated!" (He would remember this conversation upon meeting Uzumaki Naruto, a boy even worse in the fashion department than Obito ever was…)

"So we don't need your stupid jacket!"

"Yes, we do!" And they searched for two more hours, Obito half-freezing away, luckily without any frostbite. Tobi burrowed himself a hole and proved useless, while Zetsu muttered to himself, tossing over rocks and climbing trees, trying to find a glimpse of the elusive clothing.

"It's been _three_ hours, Obito, we're not finding it," Zetsu shouted at the Uchiha down the road, looking through the bushes.

"I don't care, we're not going home until we find it!"

"We're even _more_ lost, now!"

"Doesn't matter!"

"What if a group of Konoha shinobi comes along?!"

"I'll Kamui us away!"

"Then can we go home?"

"NO!" Obito was dead set on finding his belongings; he wasn't the type to let of things easily. His first year at the academy, he lost his winter gloves, and had cried all night. Then, he lost his eraser, and cried all night. Crybaby or no, Obito loved everything he owned. Hey, he still had the extra, clean portions of the gauze wrap that Rin had fixed him up with the time a shuriken stabbed his hand.

"WE'RE GOING HOME!"

"NO WE'RE NOT!"

"YOU'LL NEVER FIND THE STUPID THING!"

"I WILL!"

"YOU WON'T!"

"Wait, were you guys looking for this?"

Again, both boys whipped around to glower at Tobi. The swirl-face produced a suspiciously blue and orange article from his eyehole, easily slipping it out from whatever was under that swirl. He shook it out, holding it before them. Lo and behold, an Uchiha crest.

"TOBI YOU IDIOT!"

The boys tackled the swirl-face.

Tobi, the good boy, kept a mental note not to pick up random things in trees anymore.

* * *

Haha, something random that I churned out in a short time. Hope you like it ~

Hey, it's my half birthday! (lol random)

I love Naruto SD, even though it's completely crack. This week was NARUTOCEPTION. LOL that just made my day, seriously.

I wouldn't be surprised if Obitopede appeared there, next.

Ciao ciao.

...if you know that reference, then *hug*.


	5. Hopefully Not Mud

Ah, a short one. Wasn't sure where it came from. Wondering why I get into such depressing tones, though.

Lol.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, obviously, because NejiTen is my new old old OTP, and NEJI IS DEAD. DEAD MAN. (not in my heart, though).

Also, my crack headcanon is that Orochimaru, Sasuke and co. are going to see Rin. The lulz.

I have new love for the Graceling series. :)

* * *

**Chapter 5: ****Hopefully Not Mud**

A year rolled around like there was nothing to it, really, and the passing of January flew by the ninja world without much of a care. February dawned on the shinobi with an effective pink gloss, accompanied by the shiny plastic-wrapped red boxes that signified Valentine's Day was approaching. The sweets and the flowers and the mostly failed confessions…these were things that people began to think of in February.

Take Rin, for example.

The year he became a chuunin, Obito had happily offered Rin a prettily arranged bouquet. She'd accepted of course, though not truly taking the underlying offer. Her heart, of course, belonged to Kakashi. And as half the girls in their Academy class did every year, Rin produced homemade chocolate for the stoic, masked boy with the silver hair. And, just as the stone-cold genius did every year, he declined them all. Every. Single. One.

And it came to the point where, after years of rejection, Rin finally broke. She plopped down unceremoniously under the training ground trees and sobbed pathetically. Obito had solemnly offered a tissue, and patted her shoulder comfortingly.

"Thanks, Obito," she's sniffed sorrowfully. "You're a really good friend, you know? You always understand."

Obito only nodded, nodded while thinking about the chocolates he'd received. A few obligatory boxes from friends, and the regular store-bought package from Rin. Nothing special, nothing at all, really. But he stayed with her anyway, because she was one of the few people that were ever nice to him.

"Hey Obito, I forgot this." And then, the unexpected. "I'm sorry I missed it, and that it's really late."

In her hands, she held out to him a big blue box, pulled out from behind the tree, wrapped up neatly with a sparkling white ribbon, tied into perfectly loops and ends.

"Happy birthday," Rin said between receding sniffles. "Belated birthday."

Obito wanted to sob just as loudly as Rin had, only with three times as much snot and silly hiccupping. She'd remembered.

"Can I open it?" he managed without his voice cracking.

"Yeah, of course."

He slowly undid the bow and slid his finger under the wrapping, careful not to rip the package too much. Inside, he found a new shuriken set, a medical pouch, and new pair of shoes. He glanced down at his shinobi-issued sandals, and he was surprised that Rin had noticed the old holes that had worn through.

"Thank you, Rin," he whispered, close to tears.

"Of course, Obito." She smiled, a beautiful smile. "I'm there for you because you're there for me."

* * *

She'd died within the year. That cold, cold year. It hadn't snowed, but it had nearly froze the rain, and the blood that dyed his hands crimson blurred with his insistent shivers, whether from the shock, the pain, the grief, or the cold, he couldn't distinguish. All he knew was that his heart had shattered, and it lay in his hands, broken into melting pieces flowing away with Rin's blood.

* * *

"—Happy birthday dear Obitoooo," sang Tobi, hands clasped together sweetly as he sidled up to his friend. "Happy birthday to you!"

He thrust a suspicious lump wrapped in construction paper at the scarred Uchiha boy, who eyed it dubiously.

"This better not be a mud pie," Obito told him flatly.

"It's not. You're sorta close."

"Then what is it?" Obito didn't like the _sort of close_ aspect of the present.

"Stuff you like."

Obito carefully peeled the construction paper apart, to find bits and pieces of a lemon meringue pie smashed to globs within it. Well, it was true that he liked lemon meringue, but he liked it in a somewhat shaped form, not a completely smashed mass of sweet stickiness. He thanked Tobi, however, as he licked his fingers and set the mush on the table. He'd sort it out later, somehow, maybe dig out the utensils that always seemed to be disappearing down Tobi's eyehole.

"Thanks, Tobi." Obito gave up on the utensils and stuck his finger into the messy glob and licked the cake off his hands. He had no clue whatsoever where the swirl-face had managed to find such a thing, but he liked it anyway. The old man made bland food, mostly.

In a manner shockingly similar to Kakashi, he realized, Obito turned to Zetsu expectantly. But he corrected himself, smiled warmly—it was more a smirk, Zetsu thought—and nodded at the bundle in Zetsu's hands. It was a decently sized box, about as thin as a meager box of chocolates was, but as large as a dinner plate. Obito vaguely wondered if it was more food, specifically chocolates. He wasn't quite in the mood for chocolates, but if that was Zetsu's gift, he would accept them willingly.

"Birthday," Zetsu told him plainly. The "Happy" was nowhere to be found.

"Thank," replied Obito, sending the "you" into Kamui-land as a retort. Zetsu rolled his eyes and reached over to mess up Obito's hair. Obito returned the favor by ruffling the plant boy's lawn head.

"Well? Open it." Obito did open it, and inside, he found the latest masterpiece of a local Iwa village's renowned mask maker. It rather matched Tobi, actually, with its one eyehole, but other than that, it was plain and pale as the moon, decorative swirls adorning its outer shell.

"Put it on," Madara suddenly said gruffly. He hadn't said a word yet, but was rather pleased to see Zetsu's choice of gift. It had been the old Uchiha's recommendation, after all.

Obito complied and slipped the mask over his face, the elastic band in the back perfectly fitting his head. His puffy hair looked rather ridiculous, but he was planning on cutting it, soon, so that was no problem.

"How's the vision?" asked Madara.

"Good."

"Knock, knock," sniggered Zetsu, rapping his knuckles along the left side of Obito's face, the covered part. The young Uchiha swatted him away, the mask hiding his half-smile, half-scowl. However his lone eye twinkled, revealing his amusement.

"Thanks, Zetsu."

"Sure thing, goggle boy."

Obito would never let them know, but the loss of his goggles had saddened him greatly. A present from his parents, one winter, before a rare family trip to a mountainous area, known for its skiing resort, before Obito was sent to the Academy and his parents sentenced to mission after grueling mission, trapped between Hokage's orders and the Uchiha Police Department.

He'd never left without them since.

"Boy, come here." Madara motioned to him. Despite manifesting himself in a younger version of the ancient, legendary Uchiha Madara, the older Uchiha always seemed to be tired when they stopped even for a moment, and sat down with creaky joins and pains.

Obito approached his mentor, curious as to what was going on. He hadn't expected Madara to get him anything, but the old man pulled out a soft, green scarf from out of nowhere, and slung it around Obito's neck. The boy fingered it curiously, letting the Madara adjust it so that it didn't slip off one side unevenly. The gesture was fatherly and unfamiliar, but Obito didn't protest. He didn't say anything about the flicker of emotion that crossed Madara's eyes, disappearing just as quickly as it had appeared. Was he sad? Obito couldn't tell. Perhaps the idea of Obito as his son made for a somewhat joyful feeling, but of course, Madara would never tell.

"Happy birthday, boy," the old Uchiha grunted stiffly. He clapped his left hand on Obito's shoulder and nodded. Obito chanced a shy smile and thanked the old man.

"I didn't think you remembered, old man."

"Who do you think I am, the Tsuchikage? I'm not that forgetful, boy."

He may not have been as forgetful as Iwa's leader, but Obito was certain he'd never mentioned his birthday even once. Maybe it was Zetsu or Tobi.

"Thanks," Obito repeated, fingering the warm scarf. From then on, he made sure that his gifts were never torn or dirtied, as much as he possibly could—besides the pie, which he ate—just like he took care of the ribbon that Rin wore in her hair during their Academy days, and the goggles he used to have.

"Next, we should buy you a pair of high-heeled boots," snorted Zetsu, causing Tobi to giggle.

"Wait, where are you guys getting this money?"

* * *

"You _idiot_, I told you to _keep up_," the annoyed voice shouted back at him.

"But it's _cold_," the subject of the first person's anger whined.

"I'm not waiting for you, even if your toes fall off and your legs get eaten by some snow leopard," Deidara snapped, his patience thinning. "If I'm not cold, you're not cold, and as far as I can tell, I'm not cold."

"That made no sense, sempai."

"You're a hundred years too young to be telling me anything!" Deidara exclaimed, shaking his head. His hands retreated from his cloak sleeves and kept close to his body for warmth, but of course, he never admit to the idiot in the mask that he was cold. He was too proud for that.

"Not really, sempai." Under the mask, Obito wanted to laugh. He was what, ten years older than the blonde? No big deal. He kept his act on.

"Hmph. Well, whatever. Hurry up."

Obito felt obliged to follow more quickly, but he thought that going slower in this area would annoy Deidara more, so he deliberately slowed his pace. It wasn't as much as wanting to annoy the terrorist bomber as reminiscing in the mountains. Glancing to his right, he could see the gentle slope where he'd gone skiing as a little boy. He still remembered flopping into the soft, cold white face first, nose stinging red with the iciness.

Children, skiing down the slope, scarves pulled close and goggles slipping down red noses. Obito missed his goggles.

"Tobi!" hollered Deidara angrily, threatening to blow up the mountain and send a masterpiece of an avalanche crunching down on him. Obito feigned terror and trod after the blonde, though he knew full well that he had more chances of surviving an avalanche than Deidara himself. Kamui-land wasn't particularly warm, but it wasn't cold either. Whatever the case, he would Kamui himself away without a problem. Not that he liked to, though. Sometimes, he preferred clawing his way out of situations the old-fashioned way, and trudging through all environments on foot. The world was still the world, as far as knew, and he wasn't going to take away from himself natural beauty with the unnatural dimensions of Kamui.

"Coming, senpai!"

The whistle of the wind brought a chill under Obito's scarf, and he tugged the green fabric closer.

* * *

Comments?

Uh. Guys. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. (noooo!)


	6. We've All Gone Bananas

A short one.

Not really sure what this is. . . storytelling time?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because Rin is dead, and Neji is dead, and Deidara is dead, and ...yeah.

* * *

**Chapter 6: ****We've All Gone Bananas**

_The wind is cold and unforgiving, the sleet falling furiously. The roads are slick, and the horses slip as their drivers urge them forward, desperate to reach their destinations. A man scrabbles along the frozen cobblestones, one hand clenching his scrappy cloak and the other gripping a flimsy blade. _

_ "I have to make it," he mutters, "I am going to make it."_

_ But _it_ is closing in on him, and he can't possibly outrun it. There's simply no way, and at the rate he is going, it'll consume him whole before he can even say a word. The man prays, he prays to his wife and his children, to all of his family and friends. His toes, frostbitten digits poking through the worn soles of his old boots, feel nothing as he stumbles across the path, falling to his knees. A horse rears, breaks from its carriage, and thunders away. There is a sickening crack as it slips on the icy road surface and one if its legs snap beneath it, and the shattering scream emitted tears at the man's ears. There is no time, there is no time, he thinks._

_ "Hurry!" yells his comrade, extending a hand. "Stand!"_

_ The man reaches for the other, but misses, and suddenly, he is being pulled backwards. There is no mistaking _it_. _It _has come upon him, ready to engulf him within its terrible maw, a cavern of malicious poisons and nightmares. It grabs him, and—_

* * *

"AND WHAT?"

"Let me finish, stupid!"

"AND WHAT?! DID IT EAT HIM?! WHAT'S _IT?!_"

"I _said,_ let me finish!"

"WHAT IF THE MAN SUDDENLY PULLS A MADARA AND—"

"Let. Me. Finish."

"—MAGICALLY STAYS ALIVE?!"

"I never said he died!"

"Both of you, shut _up_, or I'll Kamui you to Kiri!"

Obito glared at the two other boys, one overly eager swirl face, and the other a grassy-topped storyteller. The one-eyed Uchiha turned to Zetsu with an expectant glower on his face, waiting for the story to be continued. However, it seemed that Tobi's goal today was to prevent the story from finishing, because he began to scream ideas.

"IS THE _IT_ A GIGANTIC SQUID?!"

"No."

"I KNOW! IT'S THE THIRD KAZEKAGE, COME TO KILL US ALL WITH HIS BANANA NO JUTSU, AND—"

"Wha—What the hell is a Banana no Jutsu?!" Zetsu demanded, shaking Tobi by the shoulders. The swirl-face got dizzy and promptly passed out, but Obito had the feeling he was faking it.

"Shall I Kamui him and stick him on the ceiling with some superglue?" suggested Obito.

"Nah, let's just see what happens if we pour the superglue down his eyehole," replied Zetsu with a snarky grin.

* * *

"Why is Tobi hiccupping?" Madara threw an accusatory glare at Obito, who whistled nonchalantly.

"I dunno…Zetsu?"

"Mm. Not sure. Allergies?"

* * *

"Weren't you allergic to superglue?"

"Wait, Tobi, you're allergic to superglue?" Deidara snorted. "That's pretty stupid. How did that happen, did someone like, pour it down your eyehole?"

Obito glared at the plant-man for instigating this entire conversation. As far as he knew, even Kisame was giggling, and a man like Kisame doesn't giggle.

"Hey, hey, Kakuzu, got any spare change for me to buy some superglue?" shouted Hidan across the way. Deidara snorted with laughter, and the two younger members of Akatsuki began throwing insults at "Tobi".

"As far as I know, he also likes to ski," mumbled Zetsu. Obito sent the plant-man a glare, and Black Zetsu sighed inwardly.

This would be a long, long plan.

* * *

_—and it _IS_ a gigantic squid, suckers slapping the land, its ugly eyes raking the terrain for prey. It grabs the man and viciously waves him in the air like a sack of potatoes, screeching in a declaration of war. The man pulls out his final trump card. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting. As long as his teammates completed the mission and escaped the apocalypse…_

_ "BANANA NO JUTSU!"_

"You are a terrible storyteller," Obito deadpanned. Zetsu sniggered, and Tobi just looked dejected. Obito turned to Zetsu. "So what was the real ending?"

* * *

"And you're telling me you're the savior of this world?" Yagura said, doubtfully. Despite being under Obito's control, it was rather boring just steering the puppet around, and conversation was a way to pass the time between village revolts and council uproars.

"I am," confirmed Obito. "With my almighty Banana no Jutsu."

Yagura stared at him, then.

* * *

"Banana no Jutsu?" Black Zetsu echoed suspiciously.

"It's more effective than the Frill-necked Lizard one," reasoned Obito.

"We might as well call this the Banana Eye Plan," muttered the dark plant man.

* * *

What is this nonsense. =3=


	7. OH! Shinobi Tree, Cakes, and Songs

Another birthday-related one! :)

**Note:** I received a kind review(s) from a guest! I'm not sure if it's from the same guest, but THANK YOU, LOVELY ANON! You (all?) have made my day(s), really. I'm truly glad you like this story...

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because (SPOILER) who else is adfhging excited that all four Hokage are back?!

**Disclaimer 2/ Second Note: **Any music from Les Miserables or The Lion King doesn't belong to me, but to their respective owners. But the Shinobi Tree...wellllll. :

Anyone? Singing?

* * *

**Chapter 7: ****OH! Shinobi Tree, Cakes, and Songs.**

_Oh Shinobi Tree, Oh Shinobi Tree, thy leaves are so unchanging! OH Shinobi Tree, OH Shinobi Tree, the old man does not like Hashi!_

_ For he is the one who is a tree, and the Shinobi tree is a song of he,_

_ Oh Shinobi Tree, Oh Shinobi Tree, _

_ We have lived through Ninja World War Three!_

"That was pitiful."

Tobi shrugged.

* * *

"And tell me again, what it is you're doing?" Kabuto said nonchalantly, twirling a scaly finger in the air. He knew full well that he'd receive meager answers, but he asked nonetheless.

"I'm turning hope into despair," Obito answered simply, glaring through his one eyehole at the serpent of a man. Kabuto's tongue flickered in and out of his mouth, a patient expression of a king cobra in waiting. However, he said nothing more, and simply walked—slithered, really—away.

Zetsu eyed the masked man, running a hand through his grassy hair.

"You're a funny guy, you know that?" he said.

"And why's that?" Obito, a man grown stony and cold, with taciturn expressions and little to offer in conversation.

"You said that you were turning hope into despair," Zetsu replied simply. Obito nodded, impatiently gesturing for the pale man to continue. "Yet, if I remember correctly, you swore that you'd turn despair into hope."

"Not _I_, Zetsu," Obito sighed, suddenly tired. Which wasn't quite right, because Uchiha Obito, nowadays, did not simply just tire. "Kakashi. With my eye, Kakashi would turn the despair of my death into hope."

"Funny people, all of you are," mused Zetsu, ambling away to mingle with his multiple clones. "You were always the funniest, you know."

Obito had to disagree; his two old friends, with their crazy antics, had always been the light of day in that musty cavern.

* * *

_Psssst_.

A whisper in his hear.

_Psssst, Obito!_

A more insistent whisper now, but the boy rolled in his sheets and tucked his ears under his pillows, curling into a ball. Whoever was trying to wake him sat patiently, poking him from time to time. Obito was growing annoyed, but did not answer.

_Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men—_

Obito whipped an extra pillow out of nowhere, presumably Kamui-land, and slapped it against the whispering alarm clock, with swirls for clock hands and a mysterious eyehole on one side.

_…Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase!_

"Ah, Obito, such fluffiness to your pillows," rasped a second voice, cackling. Obito didn't even have to turn to know that a green head was peering over him.

_Caaaan you feeeel the love tonight?_

"For the love of Rin, you two, leave me alone!" Obito spun around so quickly, he nearly rammed heads with Zetsu, who shot back, alarmed. "Let me sleep!"

"Go sleep in Kamui-land," suggested Zetsu. "Unless you wanna help us."

"Help you do what?!" hissed Obito, throwing Tobi a look so sharp that the swirl-face yelped and ceased his singing.

"You'll see, if you follow. And be more quiet!" Zetsu stood then, quietly padding across the uneven cavern floor, towards the big wall. The gigantic boulder had long since been pulled back into place, somehow, but Zetsu melded into it easily. Tobi skipped after his companion, merging himself with the earth just as naturally, and disappearing. Obito glared, rubbed his good eyes, and sat up. He brushed his long, wild hair out of his face, hair that resembled Madara so much, they could be mirror images (except Obito was far younger, and by his standards, far handsomer—not that he'd ever let the old man know, of course).

Kamui brought him from the cave to ground level, where he looked about and focused his eyesight in the dark to find his two friends. Zetsu waved. Obito followed, and ducked behind the copse of trees that shielded a small, bushy alcove. It was a decent hiding spot, had it not been freezing with a light layer of crunchy snow underfoot.

"What the hell, guys, I wanted to sleep in!" Obito crossed his arms, guarding against the cold. The half of his transplanted body felt little, but his still-human portion shivered fiercely. This was also a few months prior to his receiving of a warm, comfortable green scarf, so Obito had little more than the patched up jumper he'd picked up quickly to shield him from the falling snow.

The Uchiha grumpily studied the uneven clan crest he'd sewn himself onto the coat's breast pocket, rather proud of his work, but unsatisfied with the lack of insulation the coat provided. Mostly, he blamed Zetsu and Tobi, so he continued glaring at them with an intensity surpassing that of an angry Hyuuga.

"All right, Mr. Grumpy-pants, we need your help," Zetsu said matter-of-factly. "First, fire, second, ice cream."

"Why do you need my help?" Obito spat, before realizing the rest of Zetsu's statement. "What the heck? Fire and ice cream?"

"Precisely," chimed Tobi, trying to sound like a neat and tidy gentleman. He took on the accent of a snotty Konoha councilman, chin up, (nonexistent) nose in the air. "We require your services, my dear boy."

"My dear boy your foot," snarled Obito, shoving the swirl-face. Tobi broke into uncontrollable giggles, and his hysterics were rather contagious, seeing as a smirk had caught onto Obito's features. The smile stayed, despite his violently chattering teeth, and the horribly stuffy, red nose he was developing out in the cold. "Must I remind you that I'm not all plant-man?" he added out of the blue, shifting from foot to foot in an attempt to produce some body heat.

"Ah," Zetsu said. "Anyway, _this_, right here, is our project."

"Project? What could you guys be working on?" Obito laughed dryly. "I'm seriously wondering why you two yahoos woke me up at like, two in the morning, on Christmas Eve."

Obito knew nothing of the time, only assumed it was far too early to be awake, but he was well aware that today was Christmas Eve. Moments after Tobi had disappeared into the wall after Zetsu, he'd had a sad memory, a brief one, of pulling the annual mistletoe trick on Asuma and Kurenai, who from then on stayed at opposite corners of the party, poor things.

"Christmas Eve? Pshh, that's nothing. We're talking much bigger, 'Bito." Zetsu reached under an impressively sculpted dome of soil, tree bark, and leaves, and produced three pans, each a different size, and filled with a batter that should've been frozen.

"Ice cream," Tobi said bluntly, pointing to the biggest pan. Obito could only assume that the inside had ice cream, and was perfectly chilled in the current weather. Oh, how the ice cream fared better than he did.

"Oookay," replied Obito, arching a curious brow. "A cake?"

An ice cream cake?

"Yeah, stupid," Zetsu snapped. "It's the old man's birthday! How could you not know?"

"…Maybe because he's like 100 years old, and probably related to my great great great great granduncle or something," drawled Obito, rolling his eye. Zetsu waved him off, shaking his head.

"I need you to bake this."

"In this weather?"

"C'mon, man, it'll warm everyone up." Zetsu gave Obito a rather sardonic pout, eyebrows comically arched at different angles; the meaning of the expression, however, was clearly sarcastic and rather insulting, in Obito's opinion, of Uchiha fire prowess.

With an adept display of chakra control and precision, Obito evenly heated all three pans of batter, and then afterwards, kept the entire area warm so that Tobi could slather on some icing (pulled from his eyehole, suspiciously), and Zetsu could layer the cake's tiers. More icing from what was to be dubbed Eyehole-land, in contrast to Obito's Kamui-land, and a pretty, though slightly messy, Uchiha clan crest was painted on top.

"Should we have enough candles for his age?" Tobi asked, licking icing off his fingers. Well, more like he dipped the digits into his eyehole, and they came back clean. Obito, to this day, still wonders what hid behind that eyehole—as far as he knew, nothing, because Tobi had been capable of opening himself up and encasing Obito inside of his shell.

"That's too many candles," Obito deadpanned. "I could just light a huge Katon, and he'd have fun Katon-ing back at me. And then I'd fly into the wall, because the last time I tried that, he seriously blew me out like a candle."

"Weak," jabbed Zetsu.

"Not as weak as you," Obito retorted.

"Tobi is…strong," Tobi decided, flexing a nonexistent bicep muscle. "Tobi is strong, _like a tree_."

"Yeah, because trees are all-powerful," Zetsu snorted, shoving the swirl-face. If only they knew that the shinobi world in which they existed had once enjoyed the reign of the First Hokage, strongest ninja in history, famous for his power over…

Trees.

"So, what do we do with this cake? It's still freezing out here," Obito complained.

"You're so whiny," Zetsu shot back at him.

"I'm not whiny, you're just annoying," Obito snapped.

"I'm the smart one, here, _he_—" Zetsu pointed a pale finger at Tobi "—is the annoying one. Seriously Obito, get your head on straight. You can obviously see that, you know."

"I don't think he can see me," Tobi pointed out. He highlighted his position on Obito's far left, out of his one eye's range. "Maybe it's because he has that hair over his face, you know? He looks just like the old man, only a mirror picture. Can you see through that hair, Obito?"

"You idiot, he doesn't have _an eye_," jeered Zetsu, elbowing his fellow tree clone again.

"I'll get one," Obito announced. "…eventually."

"And then what, collect eyes? Keep them in rows and rows of jars for you to watch over and preserve?" Zetsu laughed at this notion.

And he would gape at the room full of Sharingan eyes, stacked in bubbling containers of preservatives, soon after Obito's return from the Uchiha Massacre. As he incredulously stared at all the floating eyeballs, lopsided in the greenish liquids, Obito, with two eyes this time, would say,

"I can see clearly now, the rain has gone."

"Oh shut up," Zetsu snapped. "Tobi would've done that _so _much better."

* * *

"Care to explain why this morning, when I awoke, you three were gone?" Madara said. He ticked off a few things on his fingers. "And care to explain why Tobi's mask has a crack in it, your fellow Zetsu's are snickering at me, and Obito looks like he's sick?"

Obito, miffed, rubbed his stuffy nose and grumbled. The Zetsu's hanging on the Gedo Mazou were cackling now, and the original Zetsu cracked a smile. Finally, Tobi's mask was yet another mystery to him. Was it the icing? Maybe Tobi was allergic to icing, for some reason, and his mask cracked in an allergic reaction. But then again, hadn't he been storing all the icing? What then? Was his mask so full that it threatened to break? Was his entire body hollow so that he could store things (like Obito's jacket and a bag of chips)?

"Perhaps I should send _you_ snow shoveling," Madara said, pointing to Obito, "and _you_ to floor mopping." The expression he received from Zetsu was plain out horror. Nobody likes cleaning the floors anymore, especially with this snow and mud and snow-mud guck.

"We don't have a driveway," deadpanned Obito. But then again, what kind of shinobi would have a driveway? Shinobi don't have cars.

"No, we don't," Madara agreed, "but we have an Iwa-nin trap. Go clean that."

"Aww, man!" all three chimed in unison, though the punishment seemed to be exacted on Obito only.

"You shall overcome your fear of gigantic rocks of doom," Madara decided rather casually. Several years later, upon a discontent revival by Edo Tensei and the return of the Ten Tails, Madara would find that his darling little boy had never overcome this trauma-induced fear. The moment that the entirety of Iwagakure sent huge stones and whatnot raining upon them, the slight flinch in Obito's stance denoted an everlasting fear of falling rocks. He used to be afraid of ghosts, Madara recalled, but Madara himself was a ghost, and he seemed to be fine. But the rocks, still the rocks.

Oh rocks, boy, can't you harden yourself?

"Punny," Zetsu said.

"What's punny?!" demanded Tobi.

"Oh, that's just the icing on the cake," Obito added flatly.

"ICING?!"

"Shut up," muttered Zetsu, shoving the swirl-face away again. "If you don't stop bugging me, I'll leave in you in tears!"

"Wow, Zetsu, I never knew you were a tough guy," Obito said, observing the grass-topped boy wrestle with Tobi. "And you made a pun."

"Did not."

"Leave you in…_tiers_?"

"Boys?" Madara was impatient now. "Obito, I don't care if you're sick, I'll throw you back out there anyway."

"I see why you never had kids," Obito quipped, before ducking a quick few strikes from the old man. He grinned, and Madara relented, sighing and shaking his head. It was true, he'd never had children, but he had them now, didn't he? Three of them, no less. Well, unless you counted the myriad of creepy Zetsu's hanging from the even creepier statue.

"And we present to you…" Zetsu prepared to pull out the cake from Tobi's eyehole, but Tobi danced and jiggled uncontrollably.

"You made a _pun_!" he squealed. "It's Christmas Eve, and also a special day, and you said _present_!"

"Shove it!" Zetsu snapped, reaching for the eyehole. However, Tobi waggled his finger back and forth, as if to scold the grass-topped companion and say no. This proceeded to kicks and scrabbles and both of them dragging Obito into the fray, until Obito slipped through both of them via Kamui, and used Kamui to extract the cake from Eyehole-land.

"Happy Birthday, old man," Obito finally managed. The two others hung off his arms and grinned cheekily—one, a sharp-toothed smirk, and the other, the biggest smile a mask could smile.

Madara, legendary Uchiha Madara, heart of stone, will of fire—wait, scratch that, that's Hashirama's description—a diamond-solid resolve…was touched? He suddenly questioned if he was going soft with old age, but then shrugged it off; if he was becoming shallow and loving, he supposed he would've done so a long time ago. He was so old, that it was too far past the "becoming-a-friendly-grandpa" stage to go back, really. But indeed, it warmed his icy heart just a little bit to know that his "children" had cared enough to present him with a birthday cake.

"Where're the candles?" he joked.

The wide eyes that looked back up to them (one of them a wide eyehole), were so shocked, so incredulous, they almost looked terrified. Madara wasn't sure if he should've been pleased or offended.

"Did you just make a joke?" Obito said under his breath. Madara quirked a brow, and Obito fought the urge to burst into laughter, while Tobi cowered behind his shoulder.

"Well, we don't even know how old you are," Zetsu continued. "So Obito's gonna throw a huge Katon at you, and see what happens!" he concluded, to the utter dismay of the younger Uchiha.

Madara waited expectantly. Obito sighed, drew in a breath—moved the cake aside so their hard work in the freezing snowstorm would not be in vain—and spat out the biggest Katon he'd ever made in his whole life. Pleased, Madara returned it with an equally large fire jutsu, cancelling out Obito's.

Would it be cheesy to say that Madara's gift was Obito's improvement?

Ah, well, that's up to Madara.

The old man clapped Obito rather harshly on the shoulder, but the boy understood it to be an affectionate motion.

"Now, let's see how good this cake of yours is," Madara declared.

Zetsu's face dropped, and Tobi, somehow, turned blue. Obito's stomach lurched, suddenly suspicious of what had been in that batter. Zetsu spared a teeny smile.

"Well, if he survives this, then we'll know for sure that he's immortal…"

* * *

Raising children is no piece of cake, Maddy.

Be careful, Tobirama may accuse you of pink eye, but really, you're just stressed.

(love ya, wisdom-jewel! :D)


	8. The Trouble With Definitions

Hey! Thanks so much for all the love and comments, guys, you really make my day! :)

Just a heads up, if you know my OC Mariko, then I just want to make a shout out about an upcoming story that features just her...because the other one has gone nuts, lol.

OBITO AT THE MALL?! What chaos is impending...?!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because...HOLY MADARANUGGETS, THE NEW CHAPTER'S OUT. LEMME READ IT REAL QUICK.

TOBIRAMA ANGRY.

I'll talk more about this in a different story... *still hasn't finished reading yet*

* * *

**Chapter 8: ****The Trouble With**** Definitions**

"Underwear, underwear, get your _free underwear!_"

Why is that man shouting about free underwear?

"Store closing, store closing, everything must _go!_ But folks, that means that you can get ALL THE UNDERWEAR YOU NEED!"

The spokesperson for a closing shop did a rather amusing little jig outside the doors of the mall, strutting back and forth with a speakerphone and a sign, tap dancing when he could. Yes, his tap shoes rang clearly against the pavement outside the outlet mall.

"Obito, I think you need new underwear."

The unexpected comment from Zetsu caught the Uchiha by surprise, and his eyes grew wide and his mouth made a little "O".

"Uh, what's that supposed to mean?" Obito ventured cautiously. He wasn't quite sure if Zetsu was trying to be taken literally, or he was just pulling his leg. The latter was often the case, but the grass-head's straight face gave nothing away, not even a glimmer of a sharp tooth beneath his lips.

"Oh-Bee-Toe!" And then they were distracted, because Tobi, dressed in an awfully suspicious dark hood, tugged on their arms insistently. He was shaking his behind in such a manner, Obito nearly mistook him for the awfully flamboyant spokesperson jiggling by the mall entrance.

"What," Obito spat, a little more forcefully than he'd intended. Tobi, looking as hurt as a mask could look, sort of deflated a little. "Sorry, Tobi, what were you saying?"

"OH! OBITO! I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU!"

"Shoot for it," Obito said, sidling out of the way of mall-goers making their way to popular sales. Zetsu decided to stand back, cross his pale arms, and ponder what they were doing at an outdoor mall. Well, to explain such an interesting event, they would have to go about two days back into the past.

"Dear old man," Obito had dictated, reading a letter he'd drafted earlier, "currently, I've felt the urge to bang my head against the cavern wall because I'm bored out of my mind. I want to train, but you're telling me to meditate, and I want to kick people in the face and try new tricks with my Mangekyo, but those two and the rest of them—" a broad gesture towards Zetsu and Tobi, and then all the bodies hanging from the statue "—are too stupid."

"Hey!" called Zetsu.

"Besides that," Obito continued, disregarding Tobi's pouty dance and Zetsu's pissed expression, "I have gathered that there is a big sale down in an Iwa border town, and would like to go. I promise I won't do anything too bad. Love, Obito."

The "love" part had been thrown in just to see if it would jerk any strings. Obito threw the old man a smile, hopefully a sweet one. He'd decided against cutting his wild mane, in an attempt to look similar to the old man and make some impossible clan-blood connections, or something.

Madara stared at him flatly.

"Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

Madara stared for another few minutes.

Obito began to wonder if he was dead, and this was just a shell of the legendary Uchiha, poised before him in a sitting stance. Apparently, Tobi wondered that too, because he was crouching mysteriously behind Madara, giggling to himself and poking the man's leg. Then, Madara swatted him away so fiercely that the swirl-face yelped and fell on his bum, rolling away pitifully. Zetsu sniggered.

"You're not a little girl," Madara began. He sounded as if he'd continue, but he didn't.

"No, no I'm not," agreed Obito.

"He's a cat!" piped Tobi.

"He's an Uchiha!" added Zetsu. The two snickered, and Obito threw them a glare of daggers.

"He's _poop!_" Tobi declared, delighted. Obito balled his hands into fists, knuckles cracking. "Poooop!"

"He's—"

"I'm well aware what he is, boys," Madara said, annoyed. "I'm tired of hearing your voices. Shoo."

And they shoo'ed.

"If you make me send a black Zetsu up there, then you're never going out until you've done ten thousand push-ups and cleaned this cavern over twenty times," Madara finally ruled.

"YES!" exclaimed Obito, despite the horrendous consequences befitting someone more like the youthful Gai back in Konoha. Obito hadn't been within the range of regular humans in _months_, unless you counted the humanoid Zetsu things hanging from the ceiling, a swirl-faced creature, and a dinosaur of an Uchiha.

"Remember what I told you," Madara said tiredly. Obito, however, continued to do his happy jig in place, ignoring the exasperated tones of the mighty Uchiha.

"CAN WE GO SEE POOP?" asked Tobi excitedly.

"NO," both Obito and Zetsu replied in unison, so forcefully that Tobi cringed and covered his eyehole.

And so, they went to the mall.

Like little girls on a shopping spree – sort of .

* * *

"Well? Spit it out," Obito said, urging Tobi to ask his question.

"WHAT'S THAT?"

To Obito's dismay, Tobi pointed at a women's shop, his finger directed straight at the lingerie. If Zetsu thought this was funny, he didn't show it, because his face was so straight, Obito thought he might've turned into a zombie – not that he wasn't like one already.

"That's…u-um…"

"You know everything, 'Bito, right? Like how you know what poop is, right? Whazzat?" Tobi enthusiastically waved at the underwear shop and attempted to drag his companions towards it.

"We are _not_ going inside there, Tobi," growled Obito.

"Why not?" The swirl-face pouted; a sulk that consisted of dropped shoulders and a childishly tilted head, because he had no face. If anything, his eye-hole impossibly seemed to narrow in disappointment.

"B-because that's…that stuff is for girls," Obito stated as clearly as he could.

"Girls?" Tobi echoed.

"Yeah."

Zetsu sniggered then, his straight face breaking into a toothy grin. Obito swung around, attempted to backhand that pale, snarky expression. However, heeding Madara's warning, his hand dropped abruptly and he spun quickly away from Zetsu, crossing his arms. The green-topped plant boy copied the young Uchiha's defensive position, though the grin still stuck on his face, almond eyes narrowed with smug glee.

Maybe, Obito thought, in the future, he would create _expressionless _plant men.

"Obito," continued Tobi, disregarding the near attack to Zetsu's poor face.

"What now?" Obito was tired, and his voice took on a weary tone similar to that of Madara looking after his three ridiculously bizarre ducklings.

"What's…a _girl_?"

Obito slapped his face in exasperation.

"That looked like it hurt," deadpanned Zetsu, nose wrinkling in another snicker. Tobi giggled girlishly, which was ironic, because apparently he had no idea what the female gender was. Then again, the plant-swirl-face-creature was pretty much sexless, so it didn't really matter for him anyway. As far as Obito cared, Tobi was a "he".

"A girl is…" The simplest things in life are the hardest one to explain – an idea that ran through Obito's mind painfully, at that moment. "For example, uh, Rin is a girl."

"Rin Rin is a girl?" Tobi asked brightly.

"Yes."

"So girls are those funny frumpy thingies with pretty hair?"

"Uh…hey, Rin's not frumpy!"

Zetsu snorted with laughter then, and the fact that they were standing in the middle of the mall across from an undergarments shop was funny enough.

"Then what about Bakakashi? Is he a girl?"

"Tobi,_ he _ is not a girl."

"And Rin Rin?"

"_She_, is in fact, a girl. Got it?" Obito really wanted to get away from this topic.

"I still don't get it."

Zetsu had to fall back on a bench, then, because he was laughing so hard. Mall passersby glanced at the kids warily, while other children stared at them with wide, curious eyes. Obito crossed and uncrossed his arms, stuffed them in his pockets, and made a deal of studying the lopsided Uchiha crest he'd proudly sewn onto his jumper by himself. Though, at the moment, it wasn't providing him much comfort in anyway, and it offered no escape from Tobi's ludicrous misunderstandings.

"What don't you get?" snapped the Uchiha.

"Why are there girls?"

"Why are there boys?" Obito replied sarcastically.

"I dunno, I thought _you_ were going to tell me." Tobi shrugged. "Are you going to tell me?"

The swirl-face was so childish and so innocent – in a way – that Obito sighed and contemplated if he should answer.

"You know what, Tobi?"

"What?" If Tobi had a face, he would've been smiling eagerly. And if he'd been a dog with a nice, fluffy tail, he'd be wagging it.

"Go ask the old man when we get home."

"AWWW MANNNN!" Tobi cried, latching onto Obito's sleeve. "PLEASE 'BITO, TELL ME, PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!"

Obito stared dryly at the swirl-face. Zetsu got up then, and gestured to the one store that still sold shinobi ware. He said something about getting some new fabric, in case Obito ever needed new clothes, but Obito wasn't listening. He really should've listened, because that store turned out to be the one with the materials that made his Fourth Shinobi World War outfit, and it was right next door to Iwa's greatest mask maker. It was all coincidental, of course (as Zetsu would claim with a roll of his eyes, while Black Zetsu glared at them all menacingly – with Kisame and Deidara in the background wondering if Zetsu ate human food).

Obito was busy producing an Uzumaki Mito worthy glare at Tobi, for how _dare _he pull the cherry trick? That was Obito's thing.

"I'm _not_ buying you any ice cream unless you stop bothering me."

"NO! NO 'BITO, DON'T TAKE AWAY MY ICE CREAM, PLEASE! PLEASEEE!" Tobi was withering on the floor then, sobbing pathetically, a strange, clear fluid leaking from his eyehole. He melted into a puddle of wriggling swirl-face, until Obito yanked him harshly to his feet and made him stand.

"Then don't bother me anymore with it," Obito snapped, his hand tight around Tobi's arm to make sure that the sniffling swirl-face didn't deteriorate before his eyes again.

"Okay." Tobi agreed, and was a very good boy after that. He received his favorite chocolate fudge sundae, with far too many sprinkles on top, which he slipped down his eyehole when they were out of public eyesight.

"See, Obito? Tobi is a good boy," Zetsu said approvingly, patting the masked boy's head. It made a mysteriously hollow noise, so Zetsu stopped, an inquisitive, sort of bewildered expression on his face. It was as if even though he was made of the same stuff, he had no idea how Tobi's body worked. He and Obito wondered for the longest time – Was Tobi's face hollow? Where did he keep that ice cream?

"Where _does _that ice cream go?" Obito wondered out loud, deliberately directing the question at Tobi. The furtive glance that Tobi returned, eyehole dark in the shadows, was rather frightening.

"I don't know, Obito. I thought _you _were going to tell me," Tobi replied quite nonchalantly, scooping the last of his ice cream down the dark, unknown vortex of his eyehole.

"If I knew, I wouldn't be asking," Obito said. Reasonable enough, right? Tobi seemed to think otherwise, because he tapped his chin thoughtfully. Again, the hollow knocking sound was heard as his finger rapped the bottom edge of a thick swirl. "So, where _does _it go? I know you're hiding it from me," added Obito, hoping to prompt the answer out of the swirl-face.

"I don't know. After all, I don't poop!"

The two others stared at Tobi, a little incredulous at this realization, and a little bit of something strange and indescribable.

"We should all ask Madara!"

Tobi's grin was not infectious, for it could not be seen…

* * *

"Old man, Tobi has a question."

"Answer it yourself."

"I can't, it's too hard."

Madara stared flatly at Obito, the same flat stare that always meant he was thinking, even if just slightly. Madara was so mighty, apparently, that he didn't require thinking most of the time. It just came to him, like Hashirama when his wife was stolen by an Uchiha.

"Well?" Madara waved Tobi over.

"MADARA, WHAT'S A _GIRL_?"

"Madara, where does all the food in Tobi's eyehole go?!" added Zetsu excitedly.

"NO, NO, ANSWER ME FIRST! WHAT'S A GIRL?!"

Obito plunked down unceremoniously, the thin mattress of his meager bed rattling slightly. He crossed his legs and ignored the sudden heat radiating from Madara. The Sharingan glower was directed at Obito, but Obito pretended to know nothing, nothing at all.

"WHAT'S A GIRL?!" Tobi insisted, whining now. And everyone, even the sleepy Zetsus hanging up on the Gedo Mazou, knew that Madara could _not_ stand whining, not one bit. The old Uchiha turned on Tobi then, his eyes screaming murder, but his face an amused, ominous smirk.

"Let me tell you a secret, Tobi," he said deeply.

"Oooh what?! What's a girl?!" Tobi whispered breathlessly, wringing his hands in joyful anticipation.

Madara pointed at Obito.

"That, right there, _is a girl_."

* * *

Obito's eyes went wide.

* * *

And years later, an Edo Tensei revived Madara would scoff pitifully at Obito's job poorly done, and tell Obito that he could throw hardly as far as a girl, and run slower than that pinkette over there. Obito would growl, and then make a snarky comeback by reminding Madara of the Senju granddaughter that nearly blasted him to pieces with a punch.

* * *

Tobi: "I still don't know what a girl is."

Obito: "Deal with it."

* * *

The more I write, the more I wonder about Tobi...


	9. History Lessons of Doom

Long time no see! Quick update...

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, because Hashirama has mop hair!

* * *

**Chapter 9: ****History Lessons of Doom**

"I'm not sure if you're being serious, or if you're trying to be funny." Obito folded his arms and stared at the swirl-face dubiously.

"I'm being serious," Tobi claimed.

"Uh, sure," Zetsu snorted. "Because digging a hole to a foreign nation that doesn't even exist is possible."

"I'm serious! We can conquer an eastern island off the coast of Konoha, become the Kages, and then take over the shinobi world!"

"I've decided that you're trying to be funny," Obito finished. "There's no such thing as Hurricane, and no such the Whirlpool, and for the last time, no one cares about the poop!"

"POOP?"

"You idiot," snarled Zetsu. "Why'd you bring it up when he didn't mention it?!"

"Oh shut up," snapped Obito.

"Actually," interjected Madara, who was sitting casually upon a rock ledge and polishing a gigantic shuriken to the point where it was impossibly shiny and Obito could see his own face even from such a distance. His legs dangled, he was barefoot, and he looked sort of ridiculous up there, cleaning a shuriken of all things. "Both of those countries existed. Past tense."

"Past tense?" echoed Obito.

"Yes. Whirlpool was demolished in war, and I haven't heard much of Hurricane, only that it disappeared…"

"Old man, how would you know if you're stuck in here?" Zetsu asked bluntly.

Madara threw the grass-headed boy a hot glare, his face spelling murder. Though, if he killed off Zetsu, one of the ones hanging creepily from the Gedo Mazou would giggle, detach himself, and saunter up to the group as if nothing had happened.

"Ooh, ooh! History lesson!" Tobi clapped his hands, then mysteriously tapped his swirl-mask, and then stuck a finger into his eyehole and fished out a bag of chips.

"How long has that been in there?" Zetsu asked apprehensively.

"Uh, dunno. Three weeks? I can't count Zetsu, remember?! Zetsu's being mean to me!"

"Zetsu, don't be mean to Tobi," chided Madara lightly.

"What the hell, what does that mean?!" demanded the plant boy.

"Language, Zetsu, language," mocked Obito, rolling his eyes. Madara glanced wearily at the bickering children, and noticed in particular the scowl that Obito was dishing out to the other two. It reminded him vaguely of himself.

"At least I _can_ lift the freaking stone," Zetsu was saying. What stone? Madara felt that old age must've been catching up to him — he was so amazing, even a hundred years had nothing on him — because he had no clue what the kids where talking about, and he was consistently getting confused. Maybe he should sleep more.

"You're a blockhead," spat Obito. "When this arm's all trained up, I'll be stronger than all of you!"

"I thought you said that you thought you sucked at taijutsu," Tobi strung together rather pointlessly. Obito shoved the swirl-face, who in turn dropped in bag of chips, and then began to wail.

"Obito," admonished the old Uchiha. He slid down from his ledge, landing lightly on the ground and dusting himself off. Madara drew an old scroll from his sleeve, and rolled out a small portion of it, letting the giant shuriken puff back into its seal. "Manners, child. The Uchiha are of noble blood."

"I'm very respectful," retorted Obito. Then he shut his mouth, because he wasn't being respectful at all. So instead, he offered an apologetic hand to Tobi, sprawled on the floor crying over his chips, and the swirl-face accepted gratefully. "Sorry."

"It's okay, 'Bito. I know you're a good boy," Tobi said, contradictorily jerking a thumb at himself.

"Tobi is a good boy, but Obito, I'm not too sure about you," Zetsu said flatly.

"So, old man," called Obito, ignoring Zetsu, "what was this about a Whirlpool country again?"

"Isn't your teacher's wife from Whirlpool?" Madara said back irately. "Child, do you learn nothing of geography and history in the Ninja Academy?"

"Kushina-san? Uh, I dunno, she's got red hair," Obito replied pointlessly. He was again reminded of his worse than terrible grades in the Academy, a place where he either fell asleep and drooled on his lesson book, or botched his way through the tests as best he could. "And as for the Academy, if you haven't noticed, I'm pretty dull."

"You admitted it!" exclaimed Zetsu, clapping his hands. Obito suppressed the urge to shove the grassy-topped plant boy, whose lips were widening in a horrifically sharp smile.

"No, I didn't admit it, I knew it already!" snapped Obito, folding his arms again. "Like you'd do any better in the Academy, Zetsu."

"Oh yeah? What's the capital of the Hot Springs Country?" challenged Zetsu.

"Uh, how would I know that?!"

"See? It's the Hidden Hot Springs Village!"

"That's dumb," snorted Obito.

"It's true," justified Zetsu, grinning even wider than before, if possible. Tobi munched on the remainder of his chips – which were more like the crumbs left in the bag – as Madara groaned at the remaining mess on the floor.

"Old man, do you know a lot of history?" Obito asked, another pointless question.

"Child, I _am_ history," deadpanned Madara, glaring.

"But you've been stuck in a cave, how do you know anything that has happened recently?" inquired the younger Uchiha.

"Zetsu," Madara answered simply. "is my informant."

Zetsu threw Obito a smug smirk as he sauntered over to the Gedo Mazou and patted its base. "There's a gazillion of me, and we all can pass through the earth," he explained. "Unlike you, though, we can't Kamui anywhere we want."

"Kamui-land!" exclaimed Tobi. "Obito, do you know what I found in Kamui-land one day?"

"What." Obito wished desperately that Tobi would not answer the question, because he'd heard this line several times. It usually ended with Tobi announcing that he found underpants, watermelons, or some form of otherworldly foot fungus in the realm that Obito's Mangekyo led to.

"I found…TOBI-LAND." Tobi handed his empty bag of chips to Obito and told him to suck it into another dimension. Knowing full well that the swirl-face would persist until he agreed, Obito activated his Sharingan and swept the crinkling plastic bag into his right eye.

Then, just as mysteriously as he always did, Tobi stuck a finger into his eyehole and produced the same bag of chips.

Or was it really the same bag?

"You just had another one in there," Obito accused. Despite this, he wasn't quite sure, because every time he reached his conscious into the Kamui's empty space, he felt nothing. Perhaps he'd left it on that block over there? No, he couldn't find it.

"No, no I didn't." Tobi went over to Obito's old ninja pack and pulled out an old ribbon of Rin's.

"Hey, don't touch that!" Almost instantly, Obito had instinctively sucked the ribbon out of Tobi's hands, sending it far away to another dimension with little strain on his eye. If Tobi's face could be seen, he would be grinning, because his surprisingly witty plot had worked. While he knew that Obito would refuse another chance at Tobi trying to prove that he found Tobi-land in Kamui-land, grabbing Rin-Rin's ribbon would force Obito to, because he loved it so – obsessively – much.

In an instant, Tobi reached down his eyehole and pulled out the ribbon.

Everyone gaped, except Madara.

"Children, it's lesson time, since my own blood as fallen so low," he said gratingly. Obito shot the old man a glare.

"At least I know where a major bridge is in Iwagakure. It's called Kannabi Bridge."

"Obito, you only know that because you died there, and besides that, it was in Kusagakure," Zetsu said flatly. Obito turned his glare from Madara to Zetsu.

"Well, I died fighting an Iwa man," Obito fixed.

"That fixed nothing," Zetsu snapped.

"Children." Madara's Sharingan swirled menacingly. "It's best you learn of the Uzumaki's abilities, learn some of their seals, and other things, because I assure you it will benefit you in the long run."

"How?"

"Child, just listen to me."

"Okay." The three sat in a semi-circle around the old man, who had reclined into his rock bench tiredly, exasperated at the idiocy of children. He was suddenly glad he never had children.

He then recalled himself as a child, and found himself wondering and reminiscing. For some reason, he associated Obito's talk of Kannabi Bridge with his memories. A bridge had a river under it, of course, so a river popped into his mind. Oddly enough, Iwagakure made him think of rocks – that made some sense, at least – so he began thinking about rocks. When he combined the two, he saw a rock plopping into river and sinking in an ugly fashion to the bottom.

After that, he pictured a mop.

"I'm getting old," he muttered to himself. _Why am I thinking – oh, oh yeah._

Hashirama was the mop, and Hashirama the mop was beating him at stone skipping. Madara didn't quite like that, so he changed the subject that he'd never started.

"One time, Uzumaki Mito, wife of the First Hokage, threatened to castrate me with a hairpin," he announced unnecessarily. "This proves that one must not anger an Uzumaki woman."

At this, Obito made a horrified face, while the other two's expressions remained neutral.

"I don't get it," said Tobi.

"You don't need to," replied Obito. "And why did she threaten you?"

"Child, there are things that you don't want to know."

"So this is history?" asked Zetsu doubtfully, arching a green brow. Madara shook his head, wondering how in the world he got his rival's DNA to become so snarky. Hashirama the mop-head was never like this – he was far too bumbling and kind. At least, by Madara's standards. Izuna had been quite mild, and smiled a lot, while Tobirama, the pale, ghostly thing that Hashirama called a little brother, just hated the world. And Uchiha.

"Yes, a form of it," Madara replied.

"What does castrate mean?" asked Zetsu. Obito slapped his face, appearing in intense agony.

"Just shut up, Tobi," Obito groaned.

"Does it have something to do with girls?"

Madara decided to walk away, then.

* * *

That joke is by ask-madara-uchiha on tumblr. She's awesome. XD


	10. Stone Skipping and Biology Lessons

Bwahaha, procrastinatin equals the updating of this story! :D

Also, random pointless references to _Emeralds_!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, but I love mop-head to pieces.

* * *

**Chapter 10: ****Stone Skipping and Biology Lessons**

Due to his history-lesson-gone-wrong, Obito decided that he would take learning into his own hands. After all, if he was to become the next Uchiha Madara, he might as well become as smart as the old man, right? He may not retain information as well as the legendary Madara, but he could try.

So, via Kamui-space and his incredibly convenient knowledge of all the Ninja Academy's hiding spaces, Obito maneuvered himself to an old book room, stole a few books, and returned to his cozy little cave tucked in the middle of nowhere. And, when a suitable candle was lit, for no sunlight reached the inside of the cavern, of course, he began to read. Reading usually hurt his head, but it wasn't quite so bad at the moment.

"What are you reading?" asked Tobi, leaning so far over the Uchiha boy that his swirl face was all that Obito could see.

"Stuff," replied Obito shortly.

"What's _bee-oo-loggy?_" asked the swirl-face.

"_Biology_," corrected Obito. "I'm learning about genetics."

"What's that?"

"Stuff."

"Obito, you're not helping," Zetsu snapped. "Explain to him."

From his tone of voice, it was more like Zetsu wanted to know as well. The two boy-creature-humanoids sat all their Senju cells down in front of Obito, waiting patiently for him to begin. Obito, who had simply wanted a moment's peace and maybe sharpen his dull mind, groaned.

"It's the study of people's genes," he tried.

"Jeans? Like the kind we see people wearing?" Tobi inquired. "Do people eat jeans? Do people wear jeans for their underwear? Do people _poop_ jeans?"

"No, wrong word!" growled Obito, flipping one of the pages. "A gene is a like a code that gives you a trait, like black hair."

"Oh. So, I have a gene for green hair?"

This, Obito could not quite answer, because he wasn't sure if Zetsu's hair was made of grass, or if it was actually hair. Both were equally possible, given that Zetsu was a plant-man, and people of this world had absurd hair colors left and right. Obito had witnessed the purple hair of a fiery Anko, naturally silver hair like Bakakashi's, and then plain black and brown, like his and Rin's.

"Yeah, I guess so," said Obito.

"How about blue hair?" asked Tobi. "How about red hair? How about orange hair? How about green-purple-yellow hair?"

"I don't know, it might be possible," Obito replied to the last one. "I've seen orange and red hair, but never blue."

"I've seen bluish colored hair," Zetsu piped up.

"I want to know if they have _bright_ blue hair," Tobi insisted. "Like, the color of the sky! Wouldn't that be cool, 'Bito?"

"Not really, you'd stand out too much," Obito answered flatly. "You could never be a shinobi because you're so bright."

This was rather contradictory — Minato-sensei was a blonde that stood out by far, and Kakashi's hair was like a lighthouse's beam. Rin and Obito had blended quite well into the shinobi environment, but there were plenty of people who didn't. Kushina-san, for instance, was brighter than a strawberry plus a tomato plus a habanero, and probably louder than Obito himself. Meanwhile, there were freakishly tall people for his age, like Ibiki, and then the popular kids, like Asuma and Kurenai.

Obito paused, wondering where he'd gone with his train of thought.

"Still, you could be a regular person," Tobi suggested.

"I've never seen a blue-haired person," Obito said.

"I have," Madara randomly interrupted. "I've seen quite a few."

"Really?" asked Tobi eagerly, "where?!"

"First off, there's several people in Kirigakure who have dark blue hair, sort of a gray-steel color," Madara mused out loud.

"Bright blue," Tobi prompted, poking the old man in the knee. Madara glared at the swirl-face, who cowered like a puppy, before sitting down beside Obito. (He wouldn't tell, but he swore he felt his knees creak).

"Bright blue," echoed Madara. "Yes, I've seen a few of those, too."

"Really? Did they have wings?" demanded the swirl-face.

"How did you get wings from this?!" exclaimed Zetsu, throwing his hands up in the air. Tobi, however, had a short attention span to things he didn't want to pay attention to, so he turned to Obito and tried eating the biology textbook. Obito jerked the pages away from the swirl-face, preferably as far as possible from Tobi's mysterious eyehole. He didn't want to Kamui the book away, because he was sort of tired and didn't want to waste the effort.

"Well, you said jean-eat-icks, right? If you had jeans, wouldn't you have to break the jeans to grow wings?"

"Tobi, that makes _no_ sense! Wings come out of your back!" exclaimed Obito incredulously, nearly ripping a page from his book out as Tobi scrabbled to catch its front page. "Hey, I'm returning these, you know!"

"Blue-haired people tend to be strange," Madara said thoughtfully.

"Seriously, guys, you're all nuts," Zetsu deadpanned.

"Red-haired people tend to be hot-tempered," continued the old man, stroking his chin.

"If you don't stop trying to take this book, I will _hit_ you with it," threatened Obito, when Zetsu pretty much climbed all over him to get it. He shoved at Tobi's chest, and then kicked him away, accidentally whacking Madara in the arm with the book while he was at it. Madara glanced at the mildly, rather amused by the whole thing. Zetsu was surprised the old man hadn't blown up on them yet. The lawn-topped humanoid of Senju DNA awaited the day when the old Uchiha went crazy and threw his Eternal Mangekyo's ultimate jutsu on them. He never quite got his day, but he certainly got a kick out of everyday pranks. There was one that included a mop, and for some reason, it irked the old man enough to shove his fan into Zetsu's gut. One time he missed because Zetsu pulled Obito in front of him to block the blow. The fan slipped through Obito and got Tobi square in the gut; though why Tobi had been there at that exact point in time (maybe stealing from Obito again), nobody really knew.

"No hitting!" wailed Tobi. Obito smacked the pale hands away from the book.

"Stop trying to take my book!" replied the young Uchiha.

"I wanna read!"

"You can't read!"

"I want to know if blue-haired people can fly!" cried the swirl-face, reduced to ground-shaking sobs. Everyone just stared at him.

"Blue people cannot fly," Madara informed him gently.

"They can't?" Tobi seemed, perplexedly, dismayed at this fact.

"No, they cannot. They can make glaciers, though," replied the old man.

"Where the hell is this going?!" hissed Obito. "Let me read in peace!"

"Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep darling Obi—"

"I said _read_, not sleep!" Obito took the book and whacked Zetsu across the face, then gaped at what he'd just done. Back in his Academy days, he'd been too clumsy to instigate such a brawl, missing his punch when he swung for it. Besides that, usually Bakakashi shoved him back down in his seat, with a pointed glance at Rin. And then Obito shut up.

"Ow, man," Zetsu said flatly.

"Do you feel pain?" Madara asked.

"Seriously, old man, have you gone senile?!" demanded Obito, his understanding of everything in the world turning upside down. The old man had gone batty, he was sure of it. All motherly and caring, Madara was asking Zetsu if he was _hurt_, of all things to ask.

"Silence, child, I want to know if Hashirama's DNA can feel pain," snapped the old man.

"You have no teeth!" exclaimed Tobi. "That means you can't fly!"

"What, do tell, is your definition of _fly_?" asked Zetsu, folding his pale arms. He made a strange face — mouth elongated into what should have been a snarky grin, but instead was a flat display of his irregularly sharp teeth. The meaning of it, Obito could not discern.

"You know, it's when you take something and stick it in your eyehole?" Tobi said, posing his answer as a question.

Obito slapped his forehead, exasperated.

"I'm going to go…take a walk," he finally decided, tucking the (now safe) book under his arm and trudging to the gigantic boulder that closed off the lair. "Old man, I'll be back in twenty."

"Don't let no Senju skip your stones," Madara called, lost in thought again. Obito rolled his eyes. The day he resurrected that old man in the presence of the Ten Tails, he desperately hoped that he would return to his right mind. Besides that, Obito didn't believe there were any Senju clan members in the surrounding forest, so he supposed he would have been fine without Madara's warning.

Ignoring the bickering tree-children behind him, he used his Kamui and sifted through the earth, appearing on the land's surface. He'd ambled over to a small stream when he heard a strange sound.

_Psst_.

It was like someone was whispering right next to his ear.

_Pssst. You there, with the wild hair._

Obito touched his hair self-consciously. It had grown into a massive mane comparable to that of Madara's, and he agreed that it was quite wild. Bushy and thick, he found himself amused by the springiness and coarseness of his hair.

_Whatcha doin'?_

"Who's there?" he asked suddenly, ceasing his insensible _pomf_-ing of his hair.

_I'm a ghost, didya know that?_

"Uh, well, I can't see you. Technically, I should be a ghost too."

_Really? When didya die?_

"Ninja World War Three," explained Obito, glancing around himself nervously. No one was in sight…wait, what was that misty area over there? The little fog was coagulating itself into a human-shaped blob, a creepy one.

_There was a third one?! I died in the second one!_

"You must be old, then," Obito said.

_Hey, I was twelve when I died, okay?_

"I was thirteen," Obito said. "I was saved by a crazy old man, though."

_Aw, man, lucky duck. Things like that happen in this world, huh?_

Obito wasn't sure what that meant, in truth, but he agreed.

_Do you know the old man?_

"Not really. He's sort of like my….grandpa? But way older," Obito supposed to the invisible ghost, tapping his foot against a big rock. He pondered the rock, standing so still, beside the little creek that trickled around the bend. The little mist had formed into the shape of the boy, loosely.

_It would have been cool if my grandpa saved me…or my sister! My sister is awesome, she's the best, and the strongest kunoichi ever!_

"Sure," Obito said simply, for it must be natural to think one's sibling superior to all. The boy must've idolized his sister.

_So, what's your name?_

"I'm Obito. Uchiha Obito." Obito smiled at this, patting the badly sewn patch on his coat, the messily cut Uchiha clan crest. "No one knows I'm alive, though, so here I am. What's your name?"

_My name's Nawaki. Nice to meet you, Obito!_

"Hey Nawaki. No last name?"

_Well, my clan's sort of disappeared…._

"That's okay. I have a friend who is clanless, yet she is also a shinobi," Obito said, rather proud of the fact. He recalled a tidbit of information he'd heard from the older Academy kids — back in the old days, only the elite clans were allowed to have children raised in ninjutsu. The clanless society had hardly a thing.

_Well, I'm not exactly clanless._

Obito gestured to the fog — a strange notion, when he thought about it — to continue his line of thought.

_Well, technically, my name would be Senju Nawaki._

"Well then, Senju Nawaki, nice to mee— Senju?" Obito stared incredulously as the fog magically picked up a stone and successfully bounced it across the river. Blinking a few times, he watched as the pale cloud formed itself more completely into a young boy, about his height, with round cheeks and a Leaf hitai-ate. Grinning, the boy sent another stone skipping merrily across the creek.

_Yep! Uchiha, right? My sister knew an Uchiha. My grandpa knew an Uchiha too! _

"R-really?" Obito said, mouth twitching at the corner.

_Yep! _ The cloud giggled. _My grandpa was the First Hokage, and his friend's name was Uchiha Madara! They were the strongest shinobi in the world._

Obito stared at the little mist boy, impossibly skipping stones over the water.

_And my sister's name is Tsunade, and she's got funny teammates! One is a guy with really long hair, and the other one is a funny man with white hair. His name's Jiraiya — we're good pals._

Jiraiya, legendary Jiraiya and Tsunade and Orochimaru. But mostly Jiraiya, because Jiraiya trained Minato-sensei, and Minato-sensei was, obviously, Obito's sensei. Other than that, Obito was mainly gaping at the fact that this boy was the First Hokage's grandson, and…

"Where are you buried, Nawaki?"

_Huh? _The blob of mist that was Nawaki shivered. _Oh, in Konoha's Memorial Cemetery. Why?_

"Why aren't you there?"

_It's kind of boring, _he attempted to explain. The fog shrugged. _I've got lots of friends, though._

"F-friends?" This was delving into supernatural ghost territory, and Obito wasn't sure he wanted to go there. He was still trying to determine if he was hallucinating or not.

_Yep! One of them is my great-uncle, and the other one's his wife. She's got blue hair. Isn't that cool? My grandaunt had blue hair!_

Obito stared. He was definitely hallucinating, because how else would blue hair have come up in this conversation? Rubbing his good eye, he stared hard at the ghost. Then he rubbed the socket without an eye, where the muscle that lifted his lid was severed, just to make sure there wasn't some foreign object sending him strange emissions down the optic nerve.

_I have another friend that has silver hair. He's much older, and he's a legendary ninja, apparently. Have you ever heard of the White Fang?_

Definitely a dream. Maybe he was still inside the cave. No, he was inside _Tobi-land_. That must've been it. Only Tobi could have come up with such a ludicrous thought.

"Yeah, I have," Obito replied absently. "He was my friend's dad."

Kakashi was his friend?

_Really?! That's so cool. I also have a friend who died when she was about my age. She's real pretty, I just met her a little while ago. Ooh, I think I know your friend, then. He's got the same silver hair as the White Fang and he visits her grave every day._

Obito's stomach dropped.

"Her name wouldn't happen to be Rin, would it?" he asked nervously, rubbing his hands together.

_Rin? How'd ya know?_ The ghost smiled.

"Oh, she was my teammate. Since I'm supposed to be dead, too, Kakashi's the only—"

_So is that why that guy visits two graves? No wonder!_

"Uh, Nawaki."

_Yeah?_

"Why, exactly, are you here?" Obito followed the ghost's path. Nawaki picked a trail down the opposite bank of the stream and picked up a few more pebbles, tossing them expertly so that they bounced across the calm water to the other side. Obito, who had tried skipping those same stones, had never been successful. Meanwhile, the Senju ghost simply aimed and tossed, aimed and tossed. He often closed one eye and squinted at the water.

_For fun, I told you._

"Really?" asked Obito dubiously.

_Yep. Hey, are you a chuunin?_

Obito got the feeling that Nawaki would never stop asking questions, and he'd be suffering through the eternal genjutsu of Tobi-land for the rest of his life. This was not the Eternal Mangekyo he was trying to achieve so he quickly told the ghost boy that he had to take his leave soon.

_I'm not a ghost boy, _Nawaki said, as if reading his thoughts. _My granduncle claims he's a ghost, though. Besides that, can I tell you a story? It's pretty interesting. It's about this eagle that—_

"I gotta go train, Nawaki," Obito said too loudly.

_Oh. Okay!_ Nawaki beamed. _Have fun!_

Obito scampered back down the path and flew through the stone as quickly as possible, emerging in a messy heap of Kamui-blob. He found Madara glaring at him accusingly, for what reason, he did not know. Tobi stood over him, and Zetsu was hanging from one of the Gedo Mazou arms. Obito realized that he had no idea where he'd left the biology book — he looked around frantically, until Madara cut him off.

"You let the Senju skip your stones, didn't you?!"

Obito, for the fifty-fifth time, deemed that he lived with crazy people.

* * *

Ciao ciao!

Hahi! See you next timeeeee.


	11. A Case of the Haunted Idiots in a Cave

Sorry for the delay! I've been working on a million other things, and stress levels are high!

Hope you enjoy, though!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, but there better be a double chapter next week! Rahh.

**Notes: **There are random references in there that you may or may not get.

1) Uzumaki Honoka is from a filler, lol.

2) I don't expect you to know where the cat comes from...

3) This totally makes sense. Totally. /slinks away

* * *

**Chapter 11: ****A Case of the Haunted Idiots in a Cave**

"I don't know about you, but this tastes awful." Obito waved a spoon pointedly at Zetsu.

"Don't insult my cooking," said the pale boy, hands rolling a blob of dough into something that roughly looked like Tobi's face.

"Swirl-swirl-swirl," said Tobi. Being the Swirl-Zetsu, he was fond of his own image, but Obito began to wonder if he could actually see himself in the mirror. Did he even have eyes?

"You guys don't eat, you wouldn't know," Obito accused, glaring with his one good eye. Madara, using a lazily cast genjutsu, appeared as his young self across the table, silent. "Hey old man, try this?"

Obito wiggled a spoon of potentially toxic soup at the man.

"Obito, I'd rather you refrain from waving food at me," sighed Madara, folding his arms and lounging back in his chair.

"Old man, what did you look like when you were my age?" Obito asked.

"OH! Good question!" exclaimed Tobi excitedly, pressing his hands together and spinning a circle. Obito swore that a low, breathy voice said _swirl_ as Tobi danced around. The voice came from the eyehole.

"I'd rather not," said Madara.

"PLEASE," said Tobi.

"No."

"Okay, old man," decided Obito. "It's either you EAT THIS SOUP, or show us your YOUNG SELF."

The spoon was dunked maliciously into the somewhat green, sickly liquid, withdrawing with a chunk of something that probably only Zetsu could eat. _Eat it_, said the eyehole. Madara began to think that there was something wrong with his swirl-faced creation, because the dark voice that emanated from the eyehole was nothing like Hashirama and more like a second Orochimaru.

Madara grudgingly performed a Henge, turning himself into what appeared to be his younger self. Had he voiced his opinions aloud, Madara would've called himself the "tall, dark, and handsome" type.

"You look _just like me!_" crowed Obito, slapping a hand down on the table. Unfortunately, the soup bowls filled to the brim sloshed over and allowed Zetsu's heavily seasoned, monstrous kitchen vomit of a creation to glob over on the table. It seemed that the heaviest ingredients had sifted to the bottom, leaving a molasses-like substance mucking in the bowls. The rest of it was a frothy green soup, some of it almost clear and like broth, while the majority of it contaminated with what appeared to be scrambled eggs and corn.

"I do not," defended Madara, wincing as the slop trickled over to him. "Clean this up," he snapped, before adding, "You've got a much more childish face."

A smirk crossed the older Uchiha's lips, and he folded his arms. Then, to his dismay, Zetsu said:

"You two are like mirror images. Seriously."

Madara threw Hashirama's pale, clammy-skinned clone a death glare. Zetsu brushed it off without much care, sidling away from the Uchiha's crimson gaze. When it didn't lighten, the grassy-headed boy spooned some of his concoction into Tobi's bowl. The swirl-faced one stared at it in awe, before inexplicably slurping the whole thing — bowl and all — into his eyehole. Bewildered, everyone gaped at him.

_Good boy, Swirly-one, I wanted to taste the soup._

"Yum! Zetsu's a good cook!" cheered Tobi, gleefully clapping. Madara told himself that he had not heard the voice again. "Tobi also thinks that Madara-sama looks just like Obito!"

"Other way around," growled the elder Uchiha, returning his attention to Obito. He released his Henge and returned to his adult form while his real body lay elsewhere, an old skeleton in hibernation.

"Does this mean I'll get bags under my eyes?" whispered Obito to Zetsu. "Because that would be awful."

Zetsu sniggered, and then dodged the incoming barrage of utensils. Unfortunately for Madara, spoons did not make for great weapons, especially when one of his targets was very attentive and dodged easily, and the other was practically a ghost, becoming transparent to allow the spoons to fly straight through.

Tobi, once again, inexplicably sucked things into his eyehole. He stood directly behind Obito, and when the spoons flew through the young Uchiha, he practically inhaled the spoons into his eyehole.

_Good, good, building an arsenal. I can now both attack and defend!_

Madara, for a third time, pretended he did not hear the voice. It was oddly familiar, this voice. It was not a deep tone, but a quiet man's voice, as if telling a secret to someone close. However, there was a particular rasp to the voice that made Madara wary of it; the voice cackled as if it was about to take over the world.

Then again, Madara was going to take over the world too.

"Do ya still have a bag of chips in there?" asked Obito, though he didn't hope for much. To his surprise, Tobi regurgitated a perfectly new, unopened bag of chips. Eagerly, Obito reached for it, but Tobi shook his head and waggled a forefinger.

"That'll be 125 ryo," Tobi informed him.

"What." Obito stared at the swirl-face, mouth dropping into a rather comical sort of pout.

_Charge him more for it. 350 sounds like a good price._

"If you don't pay up in five seconds, the price will go up to 350."

_Good boy_.

Tobi's body language told them all that he was smiling, despite the lack of facial characteristics to show such an action. Madara stood from his seat, ignoring Obito's call for money — "Why would I give you money, you brat?" — and sauntering over to where he kept his weapons. He glanced at his battle fan, but decided that today's training was not going to require its use. Instead, he chose a strong blade, an old katana that was still in good shape.

_Take that one, too._

Tobi looked confused. He whispered, to himself, "But that's Madara-sama's."

_Take it_.

Madara was not enjoying this inclusion on a relatively private conversation. He hefted the sword in his hand and tilted it upward to admire its gleam in the dim cavern light. Lanterns along the walls lit up the wide, dark space — he usually discerned the location of objects with his Sharingan, while Obito worked similarly and the Hashirama clones were practically the earth itself — and decently allowed a good fighting area.

"Old man, what are we practicing today?"

"Grab a kunai," ordered Madara. "You will parry this sword."

_Take the sword, give it to me._

Tobi shook his head, and Zetsu gave him a funny look.

_Do not be intimidated._

"But he's Madara-sama," Tobi whimpered to nobody in particular. Zetsu decided that the swirl-boy was clinically insane and might someday require the help of a psychiatrist. Then again, Tobi didn't even have a human body, so Zetsu supposed that that idea was useless to begin with. Not only that, but no one knew what was in that eyehole of his…

_It doesn't matter. Madara's not _that_ scary, silly._

Madara swore he heard the voice laugh, and it sent a chill up his spine. The laugh was so _familiar_, yet he was so old — he hated to admit this — that he was too confused to place a face or a name. In his slight, elderly confusion, Madara was having a tough enough time believing that he was hearing a voice, let alone acknowledge the fact that he recognized it.

"350 ryo," Tobi repeated to Obito, before beginning to cautiously pad towards the older Uchiha. "Um. Madara-sama?"

"You can't have this sword," blurted the man, recoiling with the blade. Surprised, Tobi paused and clutched his hands to his chest nervously.

"Hey, Tobi, can you move? I want to train."

Obito was duly ignored. Besides that, however, Zetsu had crawled into a nest of tree branches, watching this exchange with his thousands of sleeping clones. He quite enjoyed the view from the arms of the Gedo Mazou; well, it was a little chilly, but the shell of the Juubi had a natural warmth that nullified the cavern's cold air.

_Take it. I need more than just spoons and potato chips and this jacket._

Madara realized he was speaking to _the eyehole_.

No, not speaking — listening.

"I-I c-cant," stammered Tobi, clutching his hands harder.

_He's not scary._

"He is!"

_No, no he's not. Let me tell you a story. One time, he ran so fast that he didn't realize he was running on water, and when he finally saw that he was in the middle of a lake, he fell and sank almost the bottom._

At this, Tobi giggled, and Madara brandished the sword. Whoever was in the eyehole knew far too much about him, and needed to be — wait a minute.

_Another time, he lost to a Senju racing up a tree._

"Senju," snorted Tobi, finding the name entertaining.

_Okay, now get the sword._

Tobi's giggles turned to silent horror, skittering sideways and shaking his head vehemently. He nearly ran into Obito, who leapt out of the way and tried to keep Tobi from absorbing his beloved green scarf in his panic. Honestly, Obito wanted to know if his Kamui could reach Tobi-land, because if he ever lost something — Rin's ribbon, his scarf, maybe that old pair of shinobi-issued sandals that his father had given him, his team picture with Rin, Bakakashi, and Minato-sensei… — he would want to find a way to get it back.

"I don't care about this, but I won't let you have the sword," Madara said, waving the blade in the air. Its tip snaked an S, rising up and leveling with Madara's chest.

_You know, I need something to attack and defend with. For example, should someone use a Flying Thunder God Slash, perhaps I shall be able to attack and defend._

Madara stared at Tobi, who twiddled his thumbs sheepishly.

"Um." Obito wiggled his kunai in front of Tobi's face. To his horror, Tobi grabbed his arm and nearly took off his hand. The kunai slipped through the eyehole with a satisfying _pop_, and would have taken off Obito's hand had he not activated his Kamui. "HEY!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry!" wailed Tobi. "Tobi didn't mean to! Honest!"

Madara was going mad. He just knew it. After all these years…Cursing to himself, Madara folded his arms. Why were the Senju always right? It was like talking to a woman — even if they weren't right, they were always right. He cursed the fact that Senju Tobirama's foreshadowing words — "You Uchiha are crazy," said in a casual, fond manner to Uchiha Kagami when the poor child ran into a door because Hiruzen was chasing him — turned out to be true in the long run.

_Ah._

"Izuna! Get out of there, now!" hollered the old man, waving the sword dangerously close to Tobi's neck. "I will cut off his neck."

"Whoa, whoa, old man, what's the big deal?!" Obito leapt in front of Tobi, only to awkwardly dodge an annoyed swing. The blade flicked back to its original position.

_Oho, brother, you found me!_

Madara glared, and Tobi cowered.

_Just kidding. I'm actually the Second Mizukage._

"You've got to be kidding me," hissed Madara under his breath.

_You just got trolled. Epic fail!_

Madara swung.

Immediately, Obito grabbed Tobi's arm and sucked him into Kamui-space. He stumbled backward, unable to absorb Tobi for some unknown reason, and staggered into a chair before spitting out the swirl-face in a rush. Nonetheless, the poor, confused boy with the eyehole was safe and in one piece.

Wait, wait, wait. If this was the Second Mizukage, how did he know about the one time Madara fell in a lake…

"Hashirama!" screamed the old man.

"The world is ending," Zetsu deadpanned, crawling up the arm for the Gedo Mazou. He knocked on its wooden bicep. "Hey, hey, are you going to revive now, or what?" No answer. Zetsu crawled into some stray branches and melded into the tree, hoping to stay out of Madara's way.

_Oho, my friend! You've found me!_

Madara stared at Tobi; Tobi stared back blankly, the eyehole a hypnotizing abyss of nothingness.

_Just kidding!_

Madara growled.

Obito snorted with laughter and fled to a safer place.

_I'm actually…_

Madara slashed at Tobi, and the swirl-face screamed and began to run about the cavern. He crashed into the table, sending the bowls of unfinished green soup flying into the distance. It ended with a painful splat on the uneven rock floor. Obito grimaced; they'd be cleaning the stupid floor again, soon.

A mud pie was pulled from his eyehole, and Tobi chucked it at Madara, who slashed through it angrily.

_I'm actually, _continued the voice, _Senju Butsuma!_

"LIES."

_You're right. I'm _YOUR FATHER_. _

Madara caught Tobi by the arm and grabbed his throat. He peered into the empty eyehole, and emitted as much anger as he could. He wanted to express, clearly, to the eyehole, that he hated it. He hated his own creation.

"Tobi."

"Yes, Madara-sama?"

"What is in your eyehole? Who is talking to you?"

Tobi, whimpering, pulled out as many things as he could. A candy bar, a diamond ring, more mud cakes, potato chips, a jacket, a blouse, an old samurai's armor, a couple of spoons, some green soup, a patch of grass, colored pencils, a water bottle, an Iwa nin's sleeve, withered flowers, a ribbon — "Hey!" exclaimed Obito at the sight of Rin's old ribbon (that he totally hadn't stalked her to get) — one sock, two eye-patches, a gold watch, a couple of frogs, a garden snake, some snails, a slug or two, a parrot, a teeny dog, a pony, someone's dishwasher, a bathtub, a baby giraffe…

* * *

And then out popped Senju Itama, having the time of his non-existent life.

* * *

…cup ramen, some paintbrushes, an old Academy textbook, an Icha Icha novel, a pair of Gai's old green tights, some dango, Uchiha Kagami's winter gloves, Uchiha Tajima's shoes, Obito's goggles, Sasuke's dinosaur toy…

* * *

"What the—"

_I'm leaving, I'm leaving! Jeez, Tobirama-nii-san was right. I can't have fun with Uchiha…_sulked the ghost.

"Lies!" barked Obito.

* * *

...Kushina's wallet — Tobi was making a third pile now — Tsunade's lucky dice, some soda cans, a couple more snails, a suspiciously blue-haired doll, a cat — "Her name's Maia", Zetsu whispered to Obito — a shark, an emerald necklace, an oversized shoe, a Shiba Inu dog, a bewildered gray squirrel that had an explosive tag on its back, Shisui's glasses…

* * *

"—the hell?"

_My grandnephew told me that there was something interesting around here….what, why are you looking at me like that?_

Obito stared.

"His name wasn't Nawaki, was it…?"

* * *

…a camel, a glacier, the Titanic, Deidara's scope, the Mizukage's underwear, a couple of puppets, a suspiciously red-eyed duck, another Zetsu, Obito's shirt, an Uzumaki ghost by the name of Honoka, a flopping fish…

* * *

_You know Nawaki?_

Everyone looked at Obito, save Tobi, who was frantically trying to chase the fish. Now, was there water in his eyehole, or what?

"Yeah…"

_Nawaki's funny, isn't he? We—_

_ Oh my gosh, Itama, didn't I tell you not to wander off!_

Itama the ghost sulked at this new voice, and everyone looked about.

_Yeah, but I'm older than you, _Itama voiced.

_So? We're both dead…_

"AH!" exclaimed Tobi, whipping out another ghost. Now, beside Itama and the silent, redhead Uzumaki phantom was a pale, white-haired boy with an x-shaped scar on his cheek. "Found ya."

_What the…what was that?_

_ That was the portal, _explained the redhead.

_Who're you?_

_I'm a ghost._

_ Obviously. _The new figure rolled his eyes.

_You know, you're just jealous you can't seal monsters._

_ You know, _mimicked the white-haired boy, _I'm a Senju._

_ Kawarama, you're a drag._

_ Says the Oreo, _mocked Kawarama.

* * *

…a Hokage hat, a pencil case, another Zetsu, another Tobi — who promptly sucked the original Tobi into his eyehole, becoming one with the first one — a couple of spiders, a spider web, dust particles, a flaming ball of burning clothes, a toilet…

* * *

_Can we just leave? _The redhead was bored.

_Who _are_ you? _Itama asked.

_I'm a relative of Mito's._

_ Who's Mito?!_

The copper-haired ghost gave up and sauntered up to Tobi. In a flash, she disappeared through the eyehole.

_Well. Anyway, _said Kawarama, folding his arms. _Tobirama-nii says to come back._

_ Tobirama-nii-chan is dead._

_ Yeah. Like us._

_ Tobirama-nii-chan did not tell you to tell me to come back. _Itama sat down, cross-legged, in an act of defiance.

_Oh? _Kawarama glared.

_Tobirama-nii-chan is having fun with his wife._

At this, Obito spluttered.

"So he _is_ married!" he exclaimed. "I thought he was forever alone, and that made him a grumpy guy…"

"He was a grumpy guy anyway," spat Madara, still eyeing the two Senju ghosts that were bickering in front of him. He noticed that some of the green goop soup had wiggled its way over to the scene.

_Aww, nasty! _Kawarama leapt to his feet.

_What is?_

_ What you just said about Tobirama-nii._

_ It's not like Hashirama-nii-chan's any different._

_ Oh shut up._

_ You shut up._

_ I'll tell Dad on you._

_ Who cares? We're dead. _Itama rolled his eyes. Madara, as far as he could recall, did not receive the message that Senju Itama was such a rebel from Hashirama's loving descriptions.

_You guys are slow._

And then they all turned to Tobi and the fourth specter, a faded, slim man who was by far the tallest of the ghostly travelers.

* * *

…toilet paper, a river, barbecued beef, a steak, chicken wings, an ear of corn, a cow, a peacock, a lamp, a genie, an air conditioning unit, Terumi Mei's favorite shoes, Sasori's pet bunny, Orochimaru's funky purple earrings, an ANBU mask, a tree, and…

* * *

Uchiha Izuna.

_Oh fine, Izuna, _sighed Itama, getting to his feet. He eyed the now-moldy soup — it was appallingly overgrown with weeds, now, as if it was Hashirama reborn in the form of ugly onion soup — and walked over to Tobi. In a flash, he and Kawarama were gone.

_Oh. Nii-san. Hi._

Izuna waved, and then he was gone.

…and a pair of Madara's socks, a CD, a police officer, a—

"Can you just put it all back?" requested Madara, looking tired.

"Of course Tobi can!"

And thus, Tobi began to stuff all his belonging back into his eyehole efficiently. First went the police officer, a CD, a pair of Madara's socks, a tree, an ANBU mask, Orochimaru's funky purple earrings, Sasori's pet bunny…

* * *

And so on, and so forth.

* * *

Madara's eyes shot open, and his old, frail body shuddered in cold sweat. Terror seized his old, faintly beating heart, and he tried to figure out what had just happened. He'd had a terrible dream, and had been watching Tobi stuff a suspiciously red-eyed duck into his eyehole when he woke up. Now, he could hardly remember the dream. He supposed that it was a good thing, especially if all he recalled was that it had been mentally scarring.

_Give me the spoon_.

Madara turned.

There he was, holding a flashlight by his chin for a chilling light effect. His scarred side let the light play along the lines of his cheek unevenly, and the absence of a left eye provided a gaping darkness for the flashlight to emphasize in shadows.

Madara, who nearly had a heart attack, screeched:

"OBITO, YOU FOOL!" 

* * *

And it spirals into madness...down Tobi's eyehole.

So.

Is Tobi's eyehole the gate to the world of the dead, or what?

/theworldmayneverknow/


	12. In which dimensions cross and Rin sings

Hello hello! Updates, yey!

A couple of things:

**1) Yes, I know that "Tobi" is known as Swirl Zetsu. Thanks for telling me, but for the sake of writing and names, he will be Tobi here.**

**2) BEWARE: CROSSOVERSSSSS. (still in the Naruto fandom, though, lol)**

**3) RIN, YOU HERO.**

**4) Uhhh...**

Basically, long story short about this chapter: There are references to other stories, but if you didn't read them, it's fine too, because it just sounds more like funny chaos if you don't know the references. And funny chaos is good. If you DO know the stories, and I think you should go read them (bwahaha), then it's...hehehehehe. /laughs evilly/

REFERENCE ONE: comes from my own story, _**Emeralds,**_just briefly. Kind of. Lol.

REFERENCE TWO: comes from **Phoenixyfriend**'s story, _**Gender Confusion,**_which is great! GO CHECK IT OUT! :'D And this is a rather big reference...if you don't get it, this will come across as just funny fudge that the gang likes to mess around with.

REFERENCE THREE: is teeny tiny. Something about pigeons, yeah?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, because...MINATO WAS ON TIME, YEAAAAH!**

* * *

**Chapter 12: In which dimensions cross, and Rin sings.**

"So you're trying to tell me that there's a correlation between the number of people killed each year in this village, and the sales production of the local choco-banana shop?" The very mention of chocolate-covered bananas drove Tobi, simply put, bananas, while Obito folded his arms and sneered skeptically at the pale, grassy-topped Zetsu before him.

"Yep," affirmed Zetsu, grinning and tracing his unevenly plated chest, sharp teeth glinting.

But Obito was unconvinced, quirking a brow at his plant of a companion.

"And when the number of people killed goes up, the choco-banana sales skyrocket," Zetsu continued, gesturing wildly — it was either that, or he was trying to smack Tobi out of the way — with eyes growing wider and wider, "and on top of that, all the Uchiha children win their piano competitions."

At this, Obito burst into laughter, because he knew _for sure_ that that last portion of the tale was completely false. He had never, not once, in his career as a genin-wannabe-student-pianist, won any sort of piano competition. Good ole Obito, confident and grinning, would walk up to the stage, bow, sit down, and turn into a quaking mess of jumbled fingers. Oh sure, he was a good pianist; he just couldn't perform in front of people. It was one of his most hated activities.

"That is, unless you're Uchiha Obito," corrected Zetsu, as if reading the boy's mind. Obito glowered, elbowing Tobi when the swirl-face bobbed his way.

"It's still not true," insisted the Uchiha, smoothing out his ragged cloak. He'd abandoned his neat chuunin uniform a while ago, mostly because it was ripped on one side and he'd never bothered to clean it. Try as he might, the nearby creek was not as efficient nor was it as effective as his mother…or the Laundromat.

Zetsu shrugged, and pointed at the old, slumbering Uchiha on a bench, "You can ask Madara. I bet he played the piano well."

"I'm sure he did," snarled Obito, rolling his good eye.

"Tobi plays the piano," said the swirl-Zetsu, sticking a finger into his eyehole. The leg of a piano bench suddenly slipped out of his masked face, and following it, the bench itself, and then an entire grand piano. "Watch!" exclaimed Tobi, plunking himself down and wiggling into a comfortable position.

Besides the fact that Tobi was playing some epic sonata strung together by the Senju clan, Zetsu and Obito were marveling at the fact that an entire piano had just been produced from seemingly nowhere.

"Who is _playing that_?!" hissed Madara, jumping up from his seat. Or rather, his old, frail body remained in a deep sleep on the stone platform, while the very realistic, very lifelike genjutsu of his young self sprang to his feet. Madara was a menacing nest of black hair stalking their way, and while two of the youngsters cringed, Tobi continued scaling away on the piano without a care in the world. Madara scowled and snapped, "Obito, what are you playing?"

"It's not me," said the boy, wrinkling his nose and jabbing a finger at Tobi. Madara turned to the swirl-face and coughed loudly, folding his arms and waiting until the masked Zetsu slowly and hesitantly swiveled in his seat to face them.

"Didya like it?" he whispered. If he'd had a face, Tobi would've giggled like a schoolgirl and smiled so brightly that even Madara's eternal Mangekyo would have gone blind.

"That was a Senju piece," Madara stated flatly.

"So? Tell him to play an Uchiha one, then," Obito drawled, plopping down cross-legged on the floor and rocking back and forth. Zetsu somewhat hung around behind the boy, a strange, pointy grin plastered on his face.

"Know your history, Obito," Zetsu said, "the Uchiha don't have piano pieces."

"Well then, how do the Senju have piano pieces?"

"Actually," Tobi broke in, "this isn't a Senju piece."

"Yes, yes it is," Madara said dryly.

"Uh, no, no it isn't," returned Tobi. If the elder Uchiha was getting annoyed at the swirl-face, he was doing a fantastic job of not showing it. Unless you counted the dark aura that was seeping from the back of this neutral-faced man. "It is," Tobi continued, "a traditional islander's piece from the land of—"

"If you say_ poop, _I will kill you," hissed Obito under his breath.

"Don't remind him!" exclaimed Zetsu and his Zetsu clones in unison.

"POOP?! WHO SAID POOP?!" Tobi completely forgot that he was explaining the origins of his brilliantly played piano piece, and instead began giggling like an idiot and flinging his arms about. Madara looked like he wanted to hit something, very badly.

"I kind of want to know where the song was from," mused Zetsu.

"Ne, 'Bito, you said poop," cackled Tobi.

"Okay, forget I said anything," growled Obito, hunching over and crossing his arms.

"It's a Senju song," Madara told Zetsu flatly, disregarding the other conversation.

"Poooop," sang Tobi.

"It is? But Tobi said it was—"

"POOOOP."

Obito leapt to his feet and closed the gap between himself and the piano bench with one stride, vehemently grabbing Tobi by the shoulders and shaking the poor thing. "STOP IT WITH THE POOP."

"You brought it up," Zetsu supplied flatly. Tobi whimpered and cringed, attempting to sidle over to Zetsu, but he was firmly held down on the piano bench. Obito's Sharingan swirled, but to his shock, all he saw was a current of chakra running down in a spiral into Tobi's eyehole. Immediately, he leapt back, and barely managed to escape being sucked into Tobi-land.

"WHAT THE—"

"TOBI IS SORRY!" The spiral-face slapped hand over his eyehole, distressed. "_They_ are calling Tobi, but Tobi is a good boy, so Tobi won't answer them…"

Without further explanation, Tobi turned around and continued playing his piano piece.

"To be honest, this is rather nostalgic," Madara said to himself quietly.

"Is everyone here bipolar or something?" shouted Obito.

"I don't think that's the correct term. Actually, I think—"

"MAY THE STARS CROWN YOU WITH EMERALDS," sang Tobi far too loudly to be appropriate. "AND THE—"

"Ah," said Madara, nodding in realization. "Now I remember where this is from."

"SHUT UP!" screamed Obito and Zetsu and the same time, tackling Tobi to the ground. First of all, Tobi had the most grating voice on the face of the earth, and secondly, there were _things_ seeping out of his eyehole with every single word. The two watched in horror as Tobi's eyehole widened and random items/creatures started pouring out of Tobi-land.

The scariest thing was a hand with a ring on it. But the hand was enclosed around a box, a ring box. Tobi, curious, paused the flow of things from the other dimension, and pried the box from the hand. It was small, blue velvet, and brand new. Zetsu _ooh_'d and _ahh_'d at the box just for the giggles. Tobi flipped the small box open, and they were amazed to find a beautifully cut sapphire ring inside, mounted on white gold and surrounded with glittering diamonds.

"Are those _real_?" Zetsu asked, amazed.

"I think so," Obito said, one eye widening.

Madara peered over, and frowned. "What is _that_ doing here?"

"Tobi pulled it from his eyehole," explained Obito. "We can make a fortune off of that, hand it over—"

"NO!" Tobi jerked way too violently, leaping to his feet, dropping the severed hand and skittishly hopping away with the ring box clenched to his chest. The old, rotten piece of human corpse fell to the ground with a disgusting _plop_ and _squish_, but no one flinched. Madara, rather amused, stared at the hand for a good moment or two. _Those rings look familiar_, he thought to himself. _In fact, didn't I buy those rings way back when from some dealer named Kakuzu_?

Madara frowned some more. He was onto something, something important, but in his old age, he supposed he was bound to forget something or the other. Meanwhile, Obito had taken to chasing poor Tobi around, who protectively kept the ring out of reach. Not the ring on the severed hand, the other one — the pretty sapphire one.

"Guys." Zetsu was not one to get scared, but he swore that he'd seen… "_Guys_."

Tobi tripped and went rolling. He slammed into a wall of the cavern but scrambled to his feet, just escaping Obito's grasping hands. At one point, Obito attempted to Kamui himself over to some other end of the cavern, but his timing was off — _note to self: Obito needs some more practice with mid-air Kamui_, Madara thought — and he simply tumbled past Tobi in a heap of ragged Uchiha boy.

"No, you can't sell this, it's important!" Tobi hollered, tightening his grip on the box.

"GUYS!" interjected Zetsu, skittering to his feet and backing away from the hand.

"What?" asked Obito dryly, tired of all the chaos.

"The hand… _moved_."

"Don't say something so ridiculous, it obviously _can't_ move," replied Obito, stalking over to where Zetsu was. "It's not connected to its body."

"Speaking of which," Madara cut in, "will someone turn the hand over so I can see that ring?"

"I WON'T LET YOU!" Tobi screamed, shaking and petting the blue velvet box with a strange sort of adoration for it.

"Not that one, this one," sighed Madara, jabbing a thumb at the decaying wrist with a couple of grossly eaten fingers. "Turn it over."

"I ain't touchin' that," Obito said immediately.

"Zetsu."

"Fine," sighed the grassy-topped Senju DNA clone, bending over and picking up the corpse's hand. "You know, on second thought, this actually looks—"

"Don't eat it," interrupted Madara snappishly. Zetsu gave the old man a demure smile and held it out for him to see. The ancient Uchiha peered over the rotting hand, taking note of the familiar, round ring bearing the kanji, _san_, meaning "three", on top. _Wait a minute, don't I have these in a box over there…?_ Madara frowned harder. If he frowned any harder than that, Obito feared that the eyebrows would fall past his nose.

"PUT IT BACK, PUT IT BACK!" Tobi suddenly came screaming his mask off (almost), and snatching the arm from Zetsu. With a bewildering _shloop _ noise, the detached arm was sucked back into the eyehole. Obito came running, making one last dash for the sapphire ring. He managed to grab the box and pop it open, almost reached the ring itself, but fell short when Tobi tackled him to the floor.

In an instant, everything began to become distorted. Obito's vision began to twist towards Tobi's eyehole, and in an instant, he knew that if he didn't use Kamui, he'd be dead meat. Luckily, his Mangekyo saved him in time, teleporting him in a similar fashion to a safe distance beside Madara, but Tobi snapped the ring box shut and pulled it into his eyehole without hesitation.

"I WON'T LET YOU HAVE IT, IT'S IMPORTANT," cried the spiral-Zetsu. "THEY'RE GOING TO DIG HIM UP AND FIX IT! IT'S IMPORTANT, YOU'LL SEE!"

"Okay, okay, whatever," sighed a confused Obito, slumping down onto the ground again. Suddenly exhausted, he laid back and tried to figure out what exactly just happened. Finding himself unable to focus, he frowned in a Madara-like fashion and attempted to analyze what just happened with Tobi.

Instead, he had a flashback.

* * *

_"You know, I really don't like choco-bananas," said Rin. _

_ "You don't?" Obito was dismayed, because he loved choco-bananas, despite the fact that they meant imminent heartburn. But he tagged along with her anyway, eager to please. He never faltered, because this was the Rin that let him buy choco-bananas even though she disliked them, the Rin that bandaged him up when he was sore and tired, the Rin that watched his piano recitals and clapped even when the rest of the Uchiha clan sat in somber silence. This was Rin, after all._

_ "Nah, not really," she replied, shrugging. "You knew that, didn't you?"_

_ "Haha, yeah, I did," Obito replied, somewhat bashfully. He knew for a few reasons: One, he was a stalker. Two, they were like, best friends. Three, well…they were teammates, after all. And four, he was a stalker — "I am _not!_" — or maybe just a creeper. Probably both._

_He added, "I just never knew why."_

_ "Maybe it's the thickness? I don't know, chocolate-covered bananas makes my stomach upset," Rin reasoned, smiling sweetly. She tucked her hands into her pockets — she was wearing an overly large sweater that belonged to Minato-sensei because it was cold — and hummed a tune. Obito laughed, then._

_ "I like'em, but they give me heartburn," he exclaimed. She burst into laughter, and he wished he could just take a snapshot of her right then and there, to keep with him forever. _

_ "But you eat them anyways, right?" Rin grinned, and a lock of beautiful brown hair slipped from behind her ear and framed her face. Obito wanted to reach over and brush it back for her, she was so beautiful._

_ "Of course I do! I'm Uchiha Obito, after all!" He made a show of puffing up his chest and striking a pose; she laughed, just like he wanted her to. A small portion of him bitterly thought,_ Kakashi never makes her laugh. Why does she like him_? But that didn't discourage him, not that much on the outside._

_ They continued down the street. Dusk had settled, and it was just past dinnertime, but the main market streets were still bustling with activity, and preparation for the summer festival was underway. Perhaps that was what brought up the choco-bananas._

_ "You have your piano concert soon, right?"_

_ "Competition," Obito corrected, but not too forcefully._

_ "Right, that one! When is it?"_

_ "Um," Obito mumbled, because he wasn't too fond of that contest. "It's next Sunday." In a rush, he added quickly, "Youdon'thavetocomethough."_

_ "Of course I'll come! Next Sunday at what time?" Rin threw a glance towards the Hokage Tower. "I'll tell Hokage-sama that I won't be able to work at the hospital then."_

_ "No, your hospital work is important!"_

_ Rin laughed. "But you are too! I wouldn't miss it for the world."_

_ Obito faltered._

_ "Well, if you really want to…I start at around noon," he told her. "I'm not good though, so please don't expect much…"_

_ "Obito, I've watched you play every year since we've been on this team! I think you're great." She threw him an encouraging smile and elbowed him gently. "You're Uchiha Obito, after all, right?"_

_ He returned the grin, and was almost courageous enough to ask her out, but then—_

_ "You two. Minato-sensei is looking for you."_

_ Cool and aloof, the masked Kakashi with his silver hair glinting in the nearby lanterns' light. Obito's heart fell when Rin's face lit up, and he clenched his jaw to keep from spitting out any sort of caustic comment at the Hatake. _

_ "Kakashi!" exclaimed Rin, jogging over to him. "We were just—"_

_ "We have a mission. Report in an hour." Coldly, Kakashi turned and stalked off, not really paying much attention to the young kunoichi vying for his attention. Obito said nothing, only watched as the silver-headed shinobi turn on his heel and leave Rin hanging in mid-sentence. He could only see Rin's back then, only her hands as they fell to her sides. She clenched and unclenched her fists, and her shoulders sank just a little bit. _

_ In an incredible effort, she turned around and threw Obito a smile. He did not smile back._

_ "Well, we have an hour. Wanna go check out the parade preparations?"_

_ "Rin."_

_ "Actually, I think the choco-banana stand is up. C'mon we'll get you one."_

_ "_Rin_."_

_ "And then it'll be about time to report for—"_

_ "_RIN_."_

_ She stopped then, her pretty little smile frozen on her face, blinking at him innocently. Obito waited. Rin pressed her lips into a firm line; if she didn't control her face, she would probably burst into tears. Such was the sensitivity of a young girl who simply wanted someone to pay attention to her, but was rejected every time._

_ Obito readjusted his goggles on his head and opened his arms._

_ Without waiting, she burst into tears and buried her face into his shirt. Obito drew them to a secluded corner, where no one would really pay attention to them. She was tears and snot and sobs, but he didn't care. He skillfully and gracefully whipped a tissue from his pocket, while his other hand patted her back softly._

_ Rin accepted the tissue and cried quietly into it for a minute or two._

_ "Th-thank you, Obito," she finally managed. "You really are my best friend."_

_ Obito didn't really say anything, only kept patting her back and looked away. He suddenly wished he had a tissue for himself, but he'd given them all to her. His heart sank, but he was just a tad bit better at covering it in public; he pulled his goggles down over his eyes. Rin didn't seem to notice how odd it was for him to be wearing them at this time, on a darkening night. She blew her nose and tried to still her remaining gasps and sobs, biting her lower lip._

_ "How about that choco-banana?" she offered, hooking her arm around his._

_ "Only if you eat one too," he replied calmly._

_ "You know I don't like them."_

_ "Then we'll get you taiyaki or something. You really like those, don't you?" Obito's grin was easy, it came to his lips as naturally as breathing. But this one time, it was forced, pushed onto his face by some grand effort, and he hoped that she could not tell._

_ "You just know me so well," she replied, laughing. Rin's brown hair brushed his cheek when she turned away from him, and Obito stepped back. Hidden in her words, the echo of _friend_ lingered, and he tried not to dwell on it._

_ They went down the street, grinning and laughing and joking just as they were before Kakashi had come. Rin, slightly red-eyed and sniffling — Obito, characteristic orange goggles obscuring his sad eyes._

_ Rin began to hum, the same tune she'd hummed before, the whole time with her arm in the crook of his._

* * *

"Obito?" Tobi peered down at the boy, who was lying on his back on the cold, cavern floor.

"What," snapped the Uchiha, sitting up.

"I almost thought you were a corpse," Zetsu said flatly, grinning. "I would've eaten you."

"Delicious," retorted Obito, climbing to his feet. Madara was standing in the middle of the cavern, waiting for him to come and train. Obito was not quite sure how long he'd been lying on the floor, his only indication a sore neck and back. Then, it hit him.

"AHA!" he exclaimed, spinning around and nearly crashing into Zetsu. "I know where that song is from!"

"Tobi already told you, it's not a Senju song," Tobi said.

"No, it's not! It's Rin's song!"

Everyone stared at him incredulously.

"Child, are you feverish?" Madara walked over, and in a shocking act of fatherly care, he pressed the back of his hand to Obito's forehead. "You're a bit warm."

"I'm fine!" exclaimed Obito. "That song, though. It's Rin's song! She was humming it, and—"

"As far as I know, that is one of Hurricane's traditional songs," Madara droned, gripping the boy's shoulder so that he stayed still. "How or why your friend knew it, I don't know, but it's definitely—"

"Definitely Rin's song!"

"No, it is—

"Rin's song!"

Madara paused, taking a breath and pushing Obito out to arm's length. The boy squirmed beneath his grip, but he did not let go. "You are not feeling well," he stated blandly. "Go lie down."

"It's _Rin's song_," growled Obito.

"Rocks, boy," snarled Madara, snapping, "I heard the princess of Hurricane play it herself, it is _not your Rin's song_!"

"Where's Hurricane?" blurted Tobi.

"It's now the Principality of Hurricane under Kirigakure rule," Zetsu supplied rather mechanically, plopping a big fat textbook on Tobi's lap. "You dropped this from your eyehole."

"Oh. Tobi thanks you," Tobi said, pouring the book down his eyehole like liquid. If he tried, he could probably suck things through a straw.

"Rin's song!" chirped Obito, blinking several times as a flop of black, mangled hair dropped in front of his face. "Rin's song!"

"Zetsu," called Madara. "Tuck him into bed, will you?"

Zetsu made a face, and Madara sighed. He guided Obito over to his secluded little mattress and made the boy lie down in it. Obito became severely dizzy, as if he'd hit his head at some point in his squabble with Zetsu and was now paying the price for it. He collapsed into the bed and did not protest when Madara grudgingly tucked him in.

"Thanks, pops," murmured Obito hazily. Madara fought the smile that pulled at his mouth, cursing the bubbling warmth that hugged his chest. "G'night, pops."

"It's noontime, Obito," Madara replied.

"Love ya, old man," gurgled the younger Uchiha before the lights went completely out and he fell asleep, head lolling to the side of his pillow. Madara sighed, glancing over his shoulder to see Zetsu and Tobi glancing curiously their way. The elder Uchiha bit the inside of his cheek, inwardly hissing at the smile that curled his mouth up. Then, readjusting Obito so that the boy laid straight on his bed, he ruffled the boy's hair fondly.

"You are the bane of my existence," he said simply, before turning on his heel and trudging back to the army of Zetsus hanging on the Gedo Mazou.

* * *

_Somewhere, a herd of invisible watchers cooed, "Aww," and assembled themselves into a massive pigeon choir._

* * *

It had been maybe fifteen or so years, and Obito found himself using Kamui so easily that he could've done it in his sleep. From here to there and there and back, with the swirl face of Tobi slipped over his scarred features, he traveled. Blending in and out of the mountains and trees, he could get anywhere without ever crossing the in-between. And here he was, musing over the current situation.

He slipped out of a tree, dropping nonchalantly beside the exotic, blonde bomb specialist that was the target of today's mission. What was today's mission? Well, besides the fact that there was—

Obito froze.

He nearly stumbled, but fixed his path and landed lightly beside Deidara, who sitting on the ground and admiring a ring on his finger. Sapphire, white gold, lots and lots of diamonds that were so bright they could've blinded Madara. The last time Obito had seen that ring, he'd wanted to sell it for a fortune.

And then, he realized, that he had a couple of new revelations, and one gigantic question.

First of all, the severed hand had been Hidan's. And now, evidently, the pretty ring in the blue velvet box was Deidara's. Huh. How nicely that worked out, he thought, mulling over how strangely it was that Hidan's death had somehow been known to him years and years before, and Deidara would happen to wear this ring (for the most unexpected reasons, really). Puzzle pieces floating around in the air seemingly locked into place, fitting quite nicely until his last question stomped by and ripped it to shreds.

What in the world did Tobi's eyehole — Tobi-land — have to do with this?

In the end, Obito could only awkwardly manage:

"Nice ring."


End file.
